Gosh, I am so tired… Oh, wait, no I’m not. Ha. I just haven’t been able to sleep recently, and it kinda sucks. But I don’t know what my problem is. I mean, I haven’t really been doing much different with my bedtime routine (besides not eating as much at night, and that should help me sleep, if anything). But, whatever. I guess I’ll just sit here and watch TV/write until I’m overcome with exhaustion. Anyway, things have been going kind of ok-ish. Well, these past couple of days have, anyway. I’ve been steadily gaining weight and eating whatever I can get my hands on pretty much every night… But the eating at night has definitely gotten better since I’ve been at home (I’ve got a long weekend home from treatment – I’ll probably write a more detailed post about that later). And thank God for my best friend, who is keeping me accountable. Maybe things won’t be so bad when insurance finally does kick me out of treatment. Ha.
Speaking of treatment, though, I kind of want to work on one of my agendas that my therapist gave me gave me. I know you’re probably wondering what I mean by “agenda,” because I didn’t know what it meant when I first heard it in this context. Out therapists give us writing assignments to journal about and share in group therapy/individual session. I’ve got several to work on, but there is one in particular that I am eager to get out of the way…
Agenda: I will write a letter to my body telling it how I feel about/towards it.
I’m not totally sure what I want to write to you right now. I know that my therapist didn’t want me coming from a total self-hatred point of view, so I will try to keep that to a minimum. But that’s not the only reason I am having a hard time. I often hear people who write letters to their bodies say things like, “I don’t trust you,” or, “I don’t think you know what is best for me,” but I don’t think I feel that way. I honestly think I trust you and your ability to use the food I give you in the right way and that you have the ability to tell me what I need – I guess it’s really me that you are having trust issues with. And I’m sorry for that. I guess this whole eating issue came about with my unhappiness with you and how you look, but it’s never had anything to do with how well you have treated me.
I guess what I really do want to say, though, is that I have always been embarrassed of you for not looking the way I wanted you to look or performing the way I wish you could. I’ve always just wanted to be the best at everything – whether that be running, sports, yoga, strength training, being pretty, whatever. And you have kept me from doing that. I feel that you have done nothing but hold me back my entire life, and it gets so frustrating. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more than to be happy with you and to be comfortable with your appearance… But to be honest, I don’t even know what that means to me anymore. I mean, I’ve experienced what it’s like for you to be the thinnest out of all of my friends and the biggest, but I was miserable at both ends of the spectrum.
So now that I think of it, I can understand that you would be having thoughts like, “What the **** do you want from me?!” Especially during the times that I have abused you with restriction and even binging. I always thought that I was doing what was best for you, but now I know that I have been doing just the opposite. Oh, wait. That trust word just popped up in my mind. So maybe there is an aspect of trust that I am struggling with. Or maybe it’s trusting the system… Anyway, it’s the whole meal plan and stabilizing my weight thing that I’m having issues with. How am I supposed to know how much is enough? What if you don’t want to be the weight that I’d like you to be? When am I going to figure out how to listen to the signals that you send me? Is recovery ever going to feel as good as active addiction does?
If you ever find any answers to these questions, please let me know. I’m getting pretty desperate. I pray every day that something will click – like a switch in my mind that will just turn my ED voice off forever. But I know that’s not how it works. I know that God created me in His image, and I am exactly where I am meant to be according to His will. I am so sorry that I have not been able to accept that. I want to accept you just like He does. It’s so easy for me to forget all that you do for me – all of the things that I take for granted – and cover them up with thoughts of self-hatred, shame, and anger. I feel betrayed by you… But I think it’s time for me to try to see things from your perspective and see how I have in fact betrayed you.
I hope that you will forgive me, and it is my prayer that some day we can be at peace. I’m trying to learn to appreciate all that you have done and continue to do for me. You are a miraculous work of art, signed by God, and deserve to be treated as such.
Thanks for listening,