Ignorance really is bliss. I have been thinking a lot lately about how easy life was before I knew. Before I started worrying. Before I became consumed by these destructive habits.
I often look back to the times when I didn’t feel the need to count every calorie or avoid “bad” foods. I didn’t understand the effects my eating could have on my body; but, frankly, I didn’t care all that much. I’m not saying that I was never self-conscious (because I definitely always have been); it was just never something that I put that much emphasis on. I can remember when it finally switched for me – my turning point. My freshman year of college; it was the first time I had been attending school and not simultaneously participating in some kind of extracurricular (band, softball, etc.). But for some reason, even though I wasn’t trying to lose weight, I did. It was probably from walking to and from my classes and having healthier dining options on campus. Either way, people noticed. And that felt good… No, that felt amazing. It ignited a fire in me that raged rampantly and consumed my thoughts, actions, and eventually my entire life. It wasn’t really until the summer after my freshman year that I realized that I had a problem. I was constantly looking up healthy recipes, subscribing to health food blogs, going to the gym as much as possible, and keeping up with every single calorie with an app on my phone. It was just like an itch I could not seem to scratch. I knew that I needed help, but I was having such a hard time communicating my struggles with others. The guy I was semi-dating at the time responded to my concerns by saying, “I don’t think you can be too healthy.” He didn’t realize how wrong he was and how hard it is to overcome such an intense internal battle.
Now, I understand how desperate I was to fill my life with something – anything – that I thought would make my life worth-while. Something that would satisfy me and make me content… What a selfish thing to do on my own! I wasn’t thinking of anyone but myself and was so concerned with creating a better image of myself that I forgot what my purpose really is! That is to glorify God with my WHOLE LIFE. Not just the part of me that goes to church and sometimes blesses the food during meal time. I had to [and am still working to] discover the value that I have in my Heavenly Father. I was bought at a price! What else do I need besides Him?
“Don’t you know that your body is a sanctuary of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought at a price. Therefore glorify God in your body.”
(1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
I am still struggling to find my worth solely in the Lord; I am fighting these demons every single day. But I know, deep down, that I am NOTHING without Him.
Holy Spirit, make Your presence known in my life. Lead me according to Your will, and teach me how to accept myself the way You accept me. Thank You so much, God, for your immeasurable and unending love for me. You fill me with joy that surpasses any other. Please continue to be with me in recovery and to lean on You more and more throughout the process. These past few days have been really, really tough, Lord, and I ask that You would forgive me of the ways I have failed You. And help me to forgive myself. I ask these things in the name of my Savior, Jesus Christ, Amen.