Woke up an hour ago and have already given in. It’s so awful. I can’t even control myself in the mornings anymore. When is this going to stop? When am I going to be normal? When am I going to have control over myself again? I’m just so ready to give up… It kind of feels like I already have, though… What else am I supposed to do? Eat more? HA. That’s a good one. I actually think I ate more than my boyfriend did this weekend (which is so pitiful, given the shear amount of food he is able to pack down on a daily basis). I’m gaining weight way too fast, and I can’t seem to find the strength to stop. I can’t take it anymore.
I’m so fat. I’m unattractive. I’m weak. I’m a coward. I’m a glutton. I’m selfish.
But… I am saved. I am free. I am a child of the one, true God. I can’t keep forgetting about that!! I always get so caught up in my own desires – whether that be to lose weight or have self control or anything – that I forget where my strength to do these things comes from in the first place.
Lord, please forgive me for my selfishness. Forgive me for neglecting the fact that I can’t do any of this on my own and for not relying on You in my times of need. Give me the comfort I so desperately need at this time, but also give me the strength I need to live my life to glorify You rather than to satisfy my own fleshly desires. Give me wisdom to make decisions based on what I NEED rather than what I merely want at a given moment. And, Father, I thank You for everything that You have so graciously done for me. You never fail to shower me with good things, and I consistently fail to recognize Your blessings. Please forgive me for all the ways I have failed You. Please help me to have more self control. I know now that I cannot do this on my own, no matter how hard I try. I know that I am not going to find any sense of value from the way I look. God, I want to find my worth in You and You alone. It is because of You that I am a priceless creation; it is foolish of me to think otherwise. I know that I was bought at a price – You sent Your ONLY son to die for ME. For my guilt, my shame, my filth, my sin… Lord, I am so sorry for ever failing to remember this. I need You more and more each day, and I know that You will never fail me.
For all of this I pray for Your glory alone, Amen.