Things got better [for a while, at least], and are spiraling down once again. Last week was great until I slipped up on Friday, and I never recovered from it. I feel so hopeless sometimes, really.
I had an appointment with my nutritionist this afternoon and got the usual stuff: a new goal sheet, some dietary information, and of course some new rules. Ugh, I am just so tired of the fight. It’s a battle that I’m losing. I even had to call my mom today to so that I could cry to her about how sad my life is (thank goodness she is always willing to listen). It’s been so long since I’ve just let it go like I did. I’m exhausted from worrying so much ALL the time about EVERYTHING. I feel horribly ugly – I’ve gotten too fat to fit into any of my clothes except my nike shorts and t-shirts, and I have acne that’s worse than a 16-year-old boy’s. I know I’m supposed to feel beautiful because I am a “divine work of art signed by God,” but I can’t seem to make myself believe it.
God, help me. Restore me. Heal me. I need You more and more every day. Father, thank You for giving me the strength to get this far. I may feel down right now, but I know that You have saved me from so much more destruction than I can imagine. Without You, I would be nothing. Lord, I just feel so broken right now. I need You to pick me up, hold me, put me back together… Help me to find that hope that I once had; help me to stay motivated. God, I pray that every time I feel like giving up, I would be reminded of the strength I have in You. Please forgive me for all of the ways that I have failed You (I know they are too numerous to count). Thank You for the gift of the cross that You so lovingly gave me and for showing me grace when I least deserved it. Jesus, thank You for taking on all of the pain and suffering that is rightfully mine. I know that Your ways are higher than my ways, Lord, and I ask that You would guide me as You will. Heavenly Father, I ask all of these things for Your glory alone, Amen.