My Special Day

What a dreary day.  It’s super early, and I’m sitting in my bed listening to the rain hit my window.  BUT, today is a special day for me…

It’s my one year recovery anniversary!

I have mixed feelings about it, though.  A part of me is trying to be happy about it, another is honestly upset that I’ve gained so much weight back, and another just wants to cry – from gratitude, freedom, love.  I can’t express how grateful I am for the love and support my family and close friends have shown me throughout this past year.  There have been many ups and downs, but their concern for my health and wellbeing has brought me to tears.  God has truly blessed me by surrounding me with people who deeply care for me, and I am overwhelmed by His unending love for me.  I have come such a long way from where I was a year ago.  I mean, I was afraid to eat almost anything…  I was miserable, I was alone, and I didn’t know what to do.  I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t know where to begin when it came to doing something about it.  That’s why I’m so thankful that my parents stepped in; they scheduled me a doctor’s appointment without me knowing, and my life was forever changed.  It’s because of them, my best friend, and her family that I can say that I have my life back.  God has led us through this valley – I’ve hit lows I never thought possible – but here I am today.  I’m not perfect (not even close), but I can say with confidence that I am happy.  And I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

Triumph meets Trial

Hello, world!  Long time, no read, eh? 😉

Well, I guess I’ll start off with a run through of how life has been for me.  I’ve pretty much made it through the first wave of tests the semester has thrown at me, woohoo!  I only wish that I could say that I made it through unscathed.  To say that this week has been a trial would be an understatement, and I’m still feeling its weight like I’m carrying it around in my backpack.  To be honest, it sucks.

I mean, I was doing so well.

To be on an uphill climb for such a long time.

To be cutting back on clinic visits and counselor appointments.

To be able to honestly say that you can’t remember the last time you acted out on urges….

Just to hit rock bottom again.

Some say that relapse is inevitable.  Some say once an addict, always an addict (and yes, I am referring to my eating disorder as an addiction).

But, right now, I say screw what everybody else says.  Why can’t I have my recovery and keep it that way???

It’s easier said than done, though (understatement of the century).   Today I had the first fall through that I’ve had in a long time.  The urges pulling at me in all different directions – I couldn’t handle it.  I had to do something to shut them up [or quiet them down at the least].  So I gave in.

weak

Weak

WEAK

I know you’re probably thinking, “Come on, don’t be so hard on yourself,” and I totally agree with you!  But it’s just what I do.  I’m my own worst critic.  It’s always been that way, and I’m convinced that it always will.  I just can’t believe that after I had been doing so well for so long……  I threw it all away just like that.

Why?

Well, I don’t think that it was just totally uncalled for and on a whim.  Last week took a real toll on my mentality towards my recovery – long lost feelings of anxiety creeping up, unnecessary exposure to triggers, old urges screaming at me day in and day out.  My nutritionist said I had actually handled myself really well.  And I’m proud of that, for sure.  I just wish I had handled myself a bit better.  I’m just tired of it…  Having to constantly reorient yourself towards recovery is tough and can easily eat up hours of your precious time that needs to be spent elsewhere.  But I guess it’s worth the fight.  I tell girls all the time that they are worth recovery – that the fight is hard and the battle is long, but that can’t compare to the sweetness of freedom.

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us.”
(Romans 8:18 HCSB)

Why am I so selfish to think that I am the exception to this message that GOD – the almighty, all-knowing, creator of the Universe – has given to me?  Why are MY problems so big and bad and terrible that they could even come close to comparing to the glory of God’s presence???

Wow, I need a reality check.

Father, forgive me of my selfishness, pride, ignorance, vanity, hypocrisy…  Wash away the filth that I am ladened with; lift this burden that I can’t carry on my own.  Open my eyes to see the beauty I have in You and that the fight I wage here in this world could never compare to the glorious splendor that is to come.  Lord, You know my every need, and I trust You to meet those needs.  Thank You for Your everlasting love, mercy, grace, and goodness.  Thank You for being my steady and unchanging foundation in this ever-changing world.  I love You, and I praise You for all that You do for me.  I ask all these things for the glory of Your name, Amen.

Losing

This one got me bad,

But I can’t simply give up.

I will keep fighting.

“No, in all these things we are more than victorious through Him who loved us.” (Romans 8:37)

“Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.  And the Peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7)