Freedom?

birds_freedom_by_tina6668

Ok, so [again] it’s been wayyyy too long since I’ve posted on the blog. I’ve just been so busy!! Today, I’ve been babysitting since 7:30 this morning (which is finally starting to catch up with me – I’m so tired), and I think we might be going to the playground soon. I’m babysitting a six-year-old little boy and have been for about a month now. He’s definitely a cutie but has his moments‚Ķ Ha ha. But anyway, things have been going ok I guess. Not perfect, but better I think. It’s been a while since I’ve had a blow-out binge episode, and I think I’ve had a pretty steady weight for the past month (I might have gained like 5 pounds). The urges are still there though, that’s for sure. I’m constantly thinking about how I need to lose weight and how I would look so much better if I did. I’ve been feeling so ugly lately, and it really gets me down. ūüė¶ I mean, I have felt better about who I am as a person, but that doesn’t necessarily make me feel any prettier. I think I’m kind of doing the same thing I was doing with my past boyfriend – thinking that my current “beau” isn’t going to like me anymore because I’m getting bigger‚Ķ

Which isn’t right‚Ķ

I think…

Ugh, I just wish I could take it all back experience freedom again!!

I was going to say that I wish that I could take it all back, but I really don’t. This is a part of my testimony that God has allowed me to have so that I can reach out to other girls who may be experiencing something similar. So, I don’t wish it would’ve never happened; I just wish that it was a part of my past rather than a constant part of my present. It’s torturous, depressing, consuming, distracting, annoying, embarrassing, and just all things bad. It’s like a ghost that continues to haunt me every day, never at rest. I’m so ready to move on, but for some reason beyond my understanding it won’t let go. What is it that I find so appealing in those behaviors? The comfort? Satisfaction? Freedom? Is it because I do in fact find freedom in acting out on my urges? I guess that makes sense in a way‚Ķ I’m always denying my desires as I seek freedom from this disease, which is so ironic because restricting your behaviors is the exact opposite of freedom.

Or is it?
“Then Jesus said to His disciples, ‘If anyone wants to come with Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life because of Me will find it. What will it benefit a man if he gains the whole world yet loses his life? Or what will a man give in exchange for his life?'” (Matthew 16:24-26 HCSB)
Maybe I’m thinking about it the wrong way! I think it’s time for some serious reframing to happen in my mind. I shouldn’t want to lose weight because it will gain me worldly approval; I should seek to honor God with my body and not give into temptations of gluttony or selfishness in order to soothe myself or make myself seem more appealing in man’s eyes.

Thank You, Lord, for making me enough.  Help me to seek beauty in Your eyes rather than trying to find it in this world.  Father, give me the strength I need to be an overcomer; I know that without You, I would never stand a chance.  I praise You for bringing me this far, and I am confident that You will deliver me from this battle.  I love You, Father, and praise You for all that you have done, are doing, and will do for me.  Jesus, I pray that I will continue striving every day to live my life as a reflection of You instead of a reflection of society or the people around me.  Thank You for willingly becoming the ultimate sacrifice so that I may live free from the bondage of my sin even though I am so deserving of it.  God, I ask that You will be with me and the rest of my family and friends who may be starting school or preparing for it this week.  I pray for smooth transitions to a new chapter of our lives.  Through it all, though, I pray that we all remember that even though our surroundings [or even our entire lives as we know it] change, You are the only thing that remains constant.  Thank You, God, for never leaving nor forsaking us!!!

Heavenly Father, I ask all of these things for the glory of Your name, Amen. ‚̧

“Set your minds…

“Set your minds on what is above, not on what is on the earth.” (Colossians 3:2 HCSB)

Breakfast was ok.

Lunch was another story.

I was having such a hard time not reaching for something else‚Ķ¬† I was on my way back into the kitchen (mostly because my phone was still sitting by my coffee maker), and I physically had to redirect myself into my room to grab my bible.¬† I sat on my bed, opened it up to a random page and began reading.¬† It was in Ezekiel, I think, and it had to do with prophesying to a prince‚Ķ¬† But as I sat there, I couldn’t concentrate on what I was reading. ¬†My thoughts were elsewhere, and I began to pray and cry out to God.¬† Yes, sitting on my bed, I was basically shouting and asking God for peace.¬† I needed to have my thoughts redirected.¬† That is when Colossians 3:2 came into my mind: “Set your minds on what is above, not on what is on the earth.”¬† That is what I have to constantly remind myself to do.¬† I get so easily caught up in my temptations to gorge myself or restrict until I feel weak; I forget how to let go and allow God to take control!

On a lighter note, though: ¬†IT’S SNOWING, Y’ALL!!! ¬†And we are out of class both today and tomorrow. ¬†There is going to be so much Netflix watching/book reading/coffee drinking; it’s going to be great. ūüôā And you better believe that I have been singing Frozen alllll day.

Lord, thank You for speaking to me in miraculous ways recently.¬† I love drawing nearer to You and having a thirst for You.¬† Please continue to fill me with Your spirit, and guide me as I walk (and occasionally run) through life. ¬†Heavenly Father, I thank You for giving me worth, for making Your presence known in my life, for healing me, and most of all for loving me like no other.¬† I cherish the grace You continuously show me every single day. ¬†Give me the strength and courage I need to listen to Your words of direction and to be confident in the decisions I make.¬† Jesus, I thank You for loving me enough to humble Yourself, for becoming a sacrifice for MY sake, for overcoming the grave to sit at the right hand of Your Father in Heaven, and allowing me to have a relationship with You no matter how messed up I am. ¬†I am enough because You were enough. ‚̧ Father, I pray these things in order to bring glory to Your name, Amen.

He > I

God is above all.

He is in charge.

He has everything under control.

He gives me worth.

He is my label.

He.  Is.  All.  I.  Need.

I have to keep telling myself these things. ¬†I have been getting so caught up in worldly desires, expectations, treasures‚Ķ ¬†I keep forgetting where my worth comes from. ¬†It is from the Lord; not what I do, say, or eat. ¬†I have gotten into the habit of finding comfort in things other than God. ¬†Last night was the worst it’s been in a long time. ¬†Let’s just say I more than made up for the breakfast that I skipped in the morning. ¬†I know that binging is a typical part of recovery from an eating disorder, but I never realized how hard it could be to stop. ¬†It’s like I went from one extreme to the other. ¬†I didn’t give my body enough before, and now I’ve turned into a human garbage disposal. ¬†I put so much emphasis on what I eat throughout the day. ¬†When I eat; what I eat; where I eat.

But guess what?!

IT. DOESN’T. MATTER.

It just doesn’t! ¬†And I don’t understand why I have such a hard time wrapping my mind around that sometimes; I am just so easily distracted. ¬†But I know that God WILL provide me with the strength I need to be an overcomer. ¬†All I need to do is surrender…

Lord, please calm my heart. ¬†Clear my mind. ¬†Help me to constantly be reminded of Your goodness and Your incomparable love for me. ¬†And please lead me on the path of Your will for my life. ¬†Heavenly Father, I thank You so much for sending Your precious son, Jesus Christ, to be a sacrifice for MY sins and allowing me to draw near to You. ¬†I know I am so unworthy, but You have given me value. ¬†You bless me with so much every single day, and I pray that You will forgive me of my many sins. ¬†Please be with me as I try to be a light for You and be a conduit of Your love throughout my daily life. ¬†God, I ask all of these things in Your name and for Your glory, Amen. ‚̧