Ok, so [again] it’s been wayyyy too long since I’ve posted on the blog. I’ve just been so busy!! Today, I’ve been babysitting since 7:30 this morning (which is finally starting to catch up with me – I’m so tired), and I think we might be going to the playground soon. I’m babysitting a six-year-old little boy and have been for about a month now. He’s definitely a cutie but has his moments‚Ķ Ha ha. But anyway, things have been going ok I guess. Not perfect, but better I think. It’s been a while since I’ve had a blow-out binge episode, and I think I’ve had a pretty steady weight for the past month (I might have gained like 5 pounds). The urges are still there though, that’s for sure. I’m constantly thinking about how I need to lose weight and how I would look so much better if I did. I’ve been feeling so ugly lately, and it really gets me down. ūüė¶ I mean, I have felt better about who I am as a person, but that doesn’t necessarily make me feel any prettier. I think I’m kind of doing the same thing I was doing with my past boyfriend – thinking that my current “beau” isn’t going to like me anymore because I’m getting bigger‚Ķ

Which isn’t right‚Ķ

I think…

Ugh, I just wish I could take it all back experience freedom again!!

I was going to say that I wish that I could take it all back, but I really don’t. This is a part of my testimony that God has allowed me to have so that I can reach out to other girls who may be experiencing something similar. So, I don’t wish it would’ve never happened; I just wish that it was a part of my past rather than a constant part of my present. It’s torturous, depressing, consuming, distracting, annoying, embarrassing, and just all things bad. It’s like a ghost that continues to haunt me every day, never at rest. I’m so ready to move on, but for some reason beyond my understanding it won’t let go. What is it that I find so appealing in those behaviors? The comfort? Satisfaction? Freedom? Is it because I do in fact find freedom in acting out on my urges? I guess that makes sense in a way‚Ķ I’m always denying my desires as I seek freedom from this disease, which is so ironic because restricting your behaviors is the exact opposite of freedom.

Or is it?
“Then Jesus said to His disciples, ‘If anyone wants to come with Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life because of Me will find it. What will it benefit a man if he gains the whole world yet loses his life? Or what will a man give in exchange for his life?'” (Matthew 16:24-26 HCSB)
Maybe I’m thinking about it the wrong way! I think it’s time for some serious reframing to happen in my mind. I shouldn’t want to lose weight because it will gain me worldly approval; I should seek to honor God with my body and not give into temptations of gluttony or selfishness in order to soothe myself or make myself seem more appealing in man’s eyes.

Thank You, Lord, for making me enough.  Help me to seek beauty in Your eyes rather than trying to find it in this world.  Father, give me the strength I need to be an overcomer; I know that without You, I would never stand a chance.  I praise You for bringing me this far, and I am confident that You will deliver me from this battle.  I love You, Father, and praise You for all that you have done, are doing, and will do for me.  Jesus, I pray that I will continue striving every day to live my life as a reflection of You instead of a reflection of society or the people around me.  Thank You for willingly becoming the ultimate sacrifice so that I may live free from the bondage of my sin even though I am so deserving of it.  God, I ask that You will be with me and the rest of my family and friends who may be starting school or preparing for it this week.  I pray for smooth transitions to a new chapter of our lives.  Through it all, though, I pray that we all remember that even though our surroundings [or even our entire lives as we know it] change, You are the only thing that remains constant.  Thank You, God, for never leaving nor forsaking us!!!

Heavenly Father, I ask all of these things for the glory of Your name, Amen. ‚̧

Dear Body…

Gosh, I am so tired‚Ķ¬† Oh, wait, no I’m not.¬† Ha. ¬†I just haven’t been able to sleep recently, and it kinda sucks. ¬†But I don’t know what my problem is. ¬†I mean, I haven’t really been doing much different with my bedtime routine (besides not eating as much at night, and that should help me sleep, if anything).¬† But, whatever.¬† I guess I’ll just sit here and watch TV/write until I’m overcome with exhaustion.¬† Anyway, things have been going kind of ok-ish.¬† Well, these past couple of days have, anyway.¬† I’ve been steadily gaining weight and eating whatever I can get my hands on pretty much every night‚Ķ¬† But the eating at night has definitely gotten better since I’ve been at home (I’ve got a long weekend home from treatment – I’ll probably write a more detailed post about that later).¬† And thank God for my best friend, who is keeping me accountable.¬† Maybe things won’t be so bad when insurance finally does kick me out of treatment.¬† Ha.

Speaking of treatment, though, I kind of want to work on one of my agendas that my therapist gave me¬†gave me. ¬†I know you’re probably wondering what I mean by “agenda,” because I didn’t know what it meant when I first heard it in this context. ¬†Out therapists give us writing assignments to journal about and share in group therapy/individual session. ¬†I’ve got several to work on, but there is one in particular that I am eager to get out of the way‚Ķ

Agenda:  I will write a letter to my body telling it how I feel about/towards it.

Dear Body,

I’m not totally sure what I want to write to you right now.¬† I know that my therapist¬†didn’t want me coming from a total self-hatred point of view, so I will try to keep that to a minimum.¬† But that’s not the only reason I am having a hard time.¬† I often hear people who write letters to their bodies say things like, “I don’t trust you,” or, “I don’t think you know what is best for me,” but I don’t think I feel that way.¬† I honestly think I trust you and your ability to use the food I give you in the right way and that you have the ability to tell me what I need – I guess it’s really me that you are having trust issues with.¬† And I’m sorry for that.¬† I guess this whole eating issue came about with my unhappiness with you and how you look, but it’s never had anything to do with how well you have treated me.

I guess what I really do want to say, though, is that I have always been embarrassed of you for not looking the way I wanted you to look or performing the way I wish you could.¬† I’ve always just wanted to be the best at everything – whether that be running, sports, yoga, strength training, being pretty, whatever.¬† And you have kept me from doing that.¬† I feel that you have done nothing but hold me back my entire life, and it gets so frustrating.¬† I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more than to be happy with you and to be comfortable with your appearance‚Ķ¬† But to be honest, I don’t even know what that means to me anymore.¬† I mean, I’ve experienced what it’s like for you to be the thinnest out of all of my friends and the biggest, but I was miserable at both ends of the spectrum.

So now that I think of it, I can understand that you would be having thoughts like, “What the **** do you want from me?!”¬† Especially during the times that I have abused you with restriction and even binging.¬† I always thought that I was doing what was best for you, but now I know that I have been doing just the opposite.¬† Oh, wait.¬† That trust word just popped up in my mind.¬† So maybe there is an aspect of trust that I am struggling with.¬† Or maybe it’s trusting the system‚Ķ¬† Anyway, it’s the whole meal plan and stabilizing my weight thing that I’m having issues with.¬† How am I supposed to know how much is enough?¬† What if you don’t want to be the weight that I’d like you to be?¬† When am I going to figure out how to listen to the signals that you send me?¬† Is recovery ever going to feel as good as active addiction does?

If you ever find any answers to these questions, please let me know.¬† I’m getting pretty desperate.¬† I pray every day that something will click – like a switch in my mind that will just turn my ED voice off forever.¬† But I know that’s not how it works.¬† I know that God created me in His image, and I am exactly where I am meant to be according to His will.¬† I am so sorry that I have not been able to accept that.¬† I want to accept you just like He does.¬† It’s so easy for me to forget all that you do for me – all of the things that I take for granted – and cover them up with thoughts of self-hatred, shame, and anger.¬† I feel betrayed by you‚Ķ¬† But I think it’s time for me to try to see things from your perspective and see how I have in fact betrayed you.

I hope that you will forgive me, and it is my prayer that some day we can be at peace.¬† I’m trying to learn to appreciate all that you have done and continue to do for me.¬† You are a miraculous work of art, signed by God, and deserve to be treated as such.

Thanks for listening,




Does anybody else see something wrong here???

I know that your Pinterest home board is completely random depending on who you follow, but what I saw just a few minutes ago really struck me‚Ķ ¬†My thought process as I see these pictures: ¬†“OMG, that burger looks AMAZING!” *looks to the model in the shorts* “Well, I don’t think I’m ever going to eat a cheeseburger again in my life‚Ķ”

I’ve recently become more aware of mass media’s portrayal of women and how their (or should I say OUR) bodies “should” look. ¬†It disgusts me! ¬†I had the privilege of going to listen to a panel of women speak on the topic of body image and eating disorder recovery, and one of the topics covered was “Becoming a Critical Consumer in Media.” ¬†I was blown away by the impact ads and magazines and commercials can have on our self-esteem, even if we don’t think they do. ¬†The super models being photographed to represent women as a whole are smaller than NINETY EIGHT percent of the women in the United States. ¬†Ninety eight. ¬†Wow.

But that’s not all. ¬†We watched a video of how photographers can enhance a picture – completely alter the appearance of someone (man or woman) – in order to mimic what our culture considers “beautiful.” ¬†From rounding out the eyes to literally stretching out the body in order to appear taller and/or slimmer, when they get done editing, the person is simply fake. ¬†Like I said before, I find it completely disgusting.

Why can’t normal women be considered beautiful by the media? ¬†What is wrong with the bodies God has¬†so lovingly¬†blessed us with?? ¬†Gosh, I will be the first person to admit that I play the comparison game. ¬†I flip through magazines or look at the emails I get from clothing stores and think, “If only I could be THAT size‚Ķ” ¬†And I hate that about myself. ¬†But it’s so hard not to do when we as consumers are constantly bombarded by this false standard for how women look. ¬†Now, I will say that I admire companies like American Eagle’s Aerie who do NOT retouch their models for their ads, and I desperately wish that others would jump on board.

If only society would send the message that the REAL you is beautiful. ¬†Not the girl who goes on all of the bikini-body diets or takes all the latest and greatest diet pills or has the “will power” to stay away from that extra cookie. ¬†The woman who is curvy, comfortable, and confident in who she is‚Ķ ¬†THAT is what I want to see portrayed in the ads of my favorite brands.

Anyways, that was just my thought/rant for the day. ¬†I feel that the farther I go into my own recovery process, the more sensitive I become to issues like this. ¬†So I am writing this, not to just tell you that you’re beautiful (which you ARE), but to remind myself of that as well. ¬†I have obviously struggles with my own body image distortions for a majority of my life, and it’s things like this that just give me another person/image to compare myself to that really get under my skin.

To whomever may be reading this that struggles with similar issues, I pray that you will realize the worth you have in God’s eyes. ¬†And I pray that for myself. ¬†We are all in this together. ‚̧