Broken

Last night was one of the worst nights I’ve had in a long time.  The closest thing I’ve had to a boyfriend (I’ll call him Guy for the sake of anonymity) for the past 5 years and 8 months officially broke up with me.  Well, broke off whatever it was that we had….

It started off as a typical phone conversation, he asked me about my profile picture (which has one of my best guy friends in it), and we talked about school.  And then he pulled out his typical line, “I guess we should talk about us now…”  So we did.  He told me that he has been praying a lot about it and he felt like God had spoken to him through a speaker they had at chapel or something, and he feels like it would be best if we weren’t romantically involved at all.  He also said that he’s been thinking about Girl (I’m not going to say her name, but she works with Guy) a lot, and might try to see how things go with her…  Of course I was upset, but I tried not to make him feel worse than he already did.  He said he felt like it would only be fair that I knew after the whole me keeping my last relationship a secret incident.  So I can’t be mad at him for that…  I told him how much I “care” about him (I can’t use the “love” word… It’s complicated), and he said the same to me.  I told him pretty much everything that came to my mind.  I don’t understand why he wants to pursue Girl since he was so sure that he wanted to date me last time he came to see me; I’m scared of facing life without him because he has been my go-to person for so long; I can’t see myself (or even WANT to see myself) with anyone else; he is one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met; blah, blah, blah.  At first, he tried to tell me how this doesn’t mean that we won’t work out in the future, but I stopped him mid-sentence.  I told him that I can’t handle hearing that anymore.  And after I told him how amazing I think he is, he started doing the same to me, but I told him to stop.  He did that thing where he’s like, “[insert my name here]…”  because he hates it when I talk down about myself.  He said the same thing when I told him how lucky Girl is…  But it’s truly how I feel.  She’s the luckiest girl in the world as far as I’m concerned.  But whatever.  At one point (a few minutes before we hung up) he told, “You’re a strong woman, [insert my name here],” and when I asked him why, he was just like, “You just are,” or something like that.  Almost immediately after that, I heard him throwing up in the background.  Btw, he was in his car because “his phone was dying” and he was charging it in his car.  I have a hard time believing that that was the only reason he was out there, seeing as his roommate was home.  He had mentioned previously that he felt sick to his stomach, but I really was shocked when he got sick.  I guess I didn’t realize how upset he really was. 😦 But by the end of the conversation, I was just like, “I kind of thought that us stepping out on our faith would mean trying to make things work, but I guess that’s not what stepping out on our faith really is…”

Gosh, writing this all out – reenacting it in my head – really sucks. 😦 All of my roommates are either still asleep or already off to class…  And I’m in my room alone, trying to sort out what happened to me.  To say that I’m sad is an understatement.  Devastated is more like it, but I’m hoping it will get better sooner rather than later.  I called my mom immediately after it happened and spilled my guts to her too, telling her how much I love him.  She ended up asking me if I told him that…  That I loved him, that is.  And of course I didn’t.  We all know how Guy feels about the L-word.  And I’m afraid of how he would react to it…  But she tells me that I need to let him know how I truly feel – that it will make me feel better.  But I obviously can’t do that any time soon because when Guy asked me whether I would like to take a break or keep him as close as I can, I told him that I probably need some space.  Not because that’s what I want, but because it might be what I need.  And I think it is.  So maybe I can get to that whole “love” thing later…

Oh, and btw, I deactivated my Facebook for the first time ever.  I’ve decided to fast from social media.  My first ever fast that I’ve felt called to do.  It came to me while I was thinking (in the shower, of course), and I think it would be best if I just didn’t have those things to watch Guy’s profiles or anything.  Being logged into them is too much of a temptation, so I logged out of my Twitter and Instagram too.  I still use Tumblr and WordPress, but only because I really don’t have any social ties on them.  They’re strictly emotional outlets…

But yeah, that’s pretty much what happened last night.  It sucked.  I suck.  Life sucks.  But God’s here.  And He always will be. ❤

The Lord is Close

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“The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their cry for help. The face of the Lord is set against those who do what is evil, to erase all memory of them from the earth. The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is near the brokenhearted; He saves those crushed in spirit. Many adversities come to the one who is righteous, but the Lord delivers him from them all. He protects all his bones; not one of them is broken.”
(‭Psalms‬ ‭34‬:‭15-20‬ HCSB)