Stay Young, Go Dancing

I just love this song. ¬†Even though it doesn’t really have anything to do with what I’ll be writing about. ūüėČ

What I do want to write about, though, is how these past couple¬†weeks have been. ¬†Gosh, it’s been intense. ¬†So many ups and quite a few downs. ¬†But great, nonetheless. ūüôā

I really should be writing more‚Ķ ¬†Well, I guess I technically am writing a lot; I just never post what I write because it’s all things that my therapist wants me to write about. ¬†And sometimes that is a little more personal than I would like to share with the world right now, ha ha. ¬†I do plan on sharing a few at some point, though.

Ok, so back to the point:¬†treatment. ¬†It’s finally sinking in. ¬†I am in a treatment center to help me in recovery of my eating disorder. ¬†And to be honest, it is one of the best decisions I have ever made. ¬†Not only am I making steps towards recovery every day, I am learning more about myself and have made the most amazing friends. ¬†Gosh, I can’t even describe how wonderful these people are – the staff and fellow¬†clients. ¬†I’ve begun to feel closer to them than I have recently felt towards some of my oldest¬†friends and even family. ¬†It’s just so easy to be real – to be me – while I’m here because there’s no reason to have any guard up. ¬†I mean, we all know each other’s deepest secrets. ¬†It’s incredible, really. ¬†And so refreshing after hiding behind my problems for so long‚Ķ

Every day, I am challenged to dig deeper into my conscious in order to find out what it is¬†I am trying to cover up with my eating disorder. ¬†Anxiety? ¬†Depression? Guilt? ¬†Pain? ¬†It’s all there, but at this point I can’t distinguish one from another. ¬†I am wrestling with my inner being in an attempt to break down the wall I have been working my whole life to build up. ¬†The wall that keeps me from my deepest pain. ¬†But I am convinced that until I get to the root of the darkness trapped within my eating disorder, I won’t be able to overcome it.

Heavenly Father, hear my cry tonight.  Help me.  Save me.  Give me the desire, courage, and strength I need to overcome this battle.  Lord, I know that with Your mighty power within me, all things are possible.  Only You can save me, and I praise You for loving me enough to do that.  I am so deserving of all of the suffering I have ever gone through and more, but Your perfect love, grace, and mercy have rescued me from it all and always will.  Thank You for the blessings You have so willingly given me.  Please, God, forgive me of the ways I have failed You.  You know all of my faults and impurities.  You know my desires and my needs.  May Your will be done in all things, and may I praise You through it all.  Father, I pray all of these things for the glory of Your precious name, Amen.

“Set your minds…

“Set your minds on what is above, not on what is on the earth.” (Colossians 3:2 HCSB)

Breakfast was ok.

Lunch was another story.

I was having such a hard time not reaching for something else‚Ķ¬† I was on my way back into the kitchen (mostly because my phone was still sitting by my coffee maker), and I physically had to redirect myself into my room to grab my bible.¬† I sat on my bed, opened it up to a random page and began reading.¬† It was in Ezekiel, I think, and it had to do with prophesying to a prince‚Ķ¬† But as I sat there, I couldn’t concentrate on what I was reading. ¬†My thoughts were elsewhere, and I began to pray and cry out to God.¬† Yes, sitting on my bed, I was basically shouting and asking God for peace.¬† I needed to have my thoughts redirected.¬† That is when Colossians 3:2 came into my mind: “Set your minds on what is above, not on what is on the earth.”¬† That is what I have to constantly remind myself to do.¬† I get so easily caught up in my temptations to gorge myself or restrict until I feel weak; I forget how to let go and allow God to take control!

On a lighter note, though: ¬†IT’S SNOWING, Y’ALL!!! ¬†And we are out of class both today and tomorrow. ¬†There is going to be so much Netflix watching/book reading/coffee drinking; it’s going to be great. ūüôā And you better believe that I have been singing Frozen alllll day.

Lord, thank You for speaking to me in miraculous ways recently.¬† I love drawing nearer to You and having a thirst for You.¬† Please continue to fill me with Your spirit, and guide me as I walk (and occasionally run) through life. ¬†Heavenly Father, I thank You for giving me worth, for making Your presence known in my life, for healing me, and most of all for loving me like no other.¬† I cherish the grace You continuously show me every single day. ¬†Give me the strength and courage I need to listen to Your words of direction and to be confident in the decisions I make.¬† Jesus, I thank You for loving me enough to humble Yourself, for becoming a sacrifice for MY sake, for overcoming the grave to sit at the right hand of Your Father in Heaven, and allowing me to have a relationship with You no matter how messed up I am. ¬†I am enough because You were enough. ‚̧ Father, I pray these things in order to bring glory to Your name, Amen.