Hello, World!

Monte Sano 3

Man, it has been SO long since I have written on here!  It has been a long time since I have written anything in general.  But for some reason, I’ve been wanting to get back into it.

I was surprised when I logged onto WordPress to see a notification that today is my one year anniversary for my blog!  Looking back at my first few posts is so crazy.  I have come so far in just a year…  I’ve experienced rock-bottom lows and mountain-top highs and everything in-between.  I’m thankful that right now, I can say that I’m pretty content.  A lot has happened since the last time I posted an update with my eating disorder recovery status.  But, I have good news!!  I have been successful in maintaining my weight since August (and I honestly don’t know what it is, but I plan to keep it that way), and my nutritionist has removed me from my meal plan – now I’m on a more “intuitive eating” kind of plan.  It has been very freeing, and I love the sense of accomplishment that I feel.  It’s like I’ve finally gotten somewhere after battling for almost a year and a half.  Praise the Lord for His ever-faithful help in my time of need and for being sovereign over my life.  Things may not have happened as quickly as I would have liked for them to, but I know that God was in control through it all.

Learning to be patient with God’s timing is something that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.  Whether it be recovery, relationships, school, job-searching, or whatever else, I have to come to terms with the fact that I am not in fact the ruler of my life!  What’s the point of putting my faith in Christ when I still feel like I have to depend on myself to make things happen?  What Jesus did for me in dying on the cross has given my life more meaning that anything I can do on my own.  So what if I don’t recover overnight?  So what if I’m 20 and single?  So what if I don’t have a job right now?  This all counts as nothing compared to what is ahead.

“Hallelujah!  For the Lord our God, the Almighty, reigns.” (Revelation 19:6 NASB)

Triumph meets Trial

Hello, world!  Long time, no read, eh? 😉

Well, I guess I’ll start off with a run through of how life has been for me.  I’ve pretty much made it through the first wave of tests the semester has thrown at me, woohoo!  I only wish that I could say that I made it through unscathed.  To say that this week has been a trial would be an understatement, and I’m still feeling its weight like I’m carrying it around in my backpack.  To be honest, it sucks.

I mean, I was doing so well.

To be on an uphill climb for such a long time.

To be cutting back on clinic visits and counselor appointments.

To be able to honestly say that you can’t remember the last time you acted out on urges….

Just to hit rock bottom again.

Some say that relapse is inevitable.  Some say once an addict, always an addict (and yes, I am referring to my eating disorder as an addiction).

But, right now, I say screw what everybody else says.  Why can’t I have my recovery and keep it that way???

It’s easier said than done, though (understatement of the century).   Today I had the first fall through that I’ve had in a long time.  The urges pulling at me in all different directions – I couldn’t handle it.  I had to do something to shut them up [or quiet them down at the least].  So I gave in.

weak

Weak

WEAK

I know you’re probably thinking, “Come on, don’t be so hard on yourself,” and I totally agree with you!  But it’s just what I do.  I’m my own worst critic.  It’s always been that way, and I’m convinced that it always will.  I just can’t believe that after I had been doing so well for so long……  I threw it all away just like that.

Why?

Well, I don’t think that it was just totally uncalled for and on a whim.  Last week took a real toll on my mentality towards my recovery – long lost feelings of anxiety creeping up, unnecessary exposure to triggers, old urges screaming at me day in and day out.  My nutritionist said I had actually handled myself really well.  And I’m proud of that, for sure.  I just wish I had handled myself a bit better.  I’m just tired of it…  Having to constantly reorient yourself towards recovery is tough and can easily eat up hours of your precious time that needs to be spent elsewhere.  But I guess it’s worth the fight.  I tell girls all the time that they are worth recovery – that the fight is hard and the battle is long, but that can’t compare to the sweetness of freedom.

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us.”
(Romans 8:18 HCSB)

Why am I so selfish to think that I am the exception to this message that GOD – the almighty, all-knowing, creator of the Universe – has given to me?  Why are MY problems so big and bad and terrible that they could even come close to comparing to the glory of God’s presence???

Wow, I need a reality check.

Father, forgive me of my selfishness, pride, ignorance, vanity, hypocrisy…  Wash away the filth that I am ladened with; lift this burden that I can’t carry on my own.  Open my eyes to see the beauty I have in You and that the fight I wage here in this world could never compare to the glorious splendor that is to come.  Lord, You know my every need, and I trust You to meet those needs.  Thank You for Your everlasting love, mercy, grace, and goodness.  Thank You for being my steady and unchanging foundation in this ever-changing world.  I love You, and I praise You for all that You do for me.  I ask all these things for the glory of Your name, Amen.

Dear Body…

Gosh, I am so tired…  Oh, wait, no I’m not.  Ha.  I just haven’t been able to sleep recently, and it kinda sucks.  But I don’t know what my problem is.  I mean, I haven’t really been doing much different with my bedtime routine (besides not eating as much at night, and that should help me sleep, if anything).  But, whatever.  I guess I’ll just sit here and watch TV/write until I’m overcome with exhaustion.  Anyway, things have been going kind of ok-ish.  Well, these past couple of days have, anyway.  I’ve been steadily gaining weight and eating whatever I can get my hands on pretty much every night…  But the eating at night has definitely gotten better since I’ve been at home (I’ve got a long weekend home from treatment – I’ll probably write a more detailed post about that later).  And thank God for my best friend, who is keeping me accountable.  Maybe things won’t be so bad when insurance finally does kick me out of treatment.  Ha.

Speaking of treatment, though, I kind of want to work on one of my agendas that my therapist gave me gave me.  I know you’re probably wondering what I mean by “agenda,” because I didn’t know what it meant when I first heard it in this context.  Out therapists give us writing assignments to journal about and share in group therapy/individual session.  I’ve got several to work on, but there is one in particular that I am eager to get out of the way…

Agenda:  I will write a letter to my body telling it how I feel about/towards it.

Dear Body,

I’m not totally sure what I want to write to you right now.  I know that my therapist didn’t want me coming from a total self-hatred point of view, so I will try to keep that to a minimum.  But that’s not the only reason I am having a hard time.  I often hear people who write letters to their bodies say things like, “I don’t trust you,” or, “I don’t think you know what is best for me,” but I don’t think I feel that way.  I honestly think I trust you and your ability to use the food I give you in the right way and that you have the ability to tell me what I need – I guess it’s really me that you are having trust issues with.  And I’m sorry for that.  I guess this whole eating issue came about with my unhappiness with you and how you look, but it’s never had anything to do with how well you have treated me.

I guess what I really do want to say, though, is that I have always been embarrassed of you for not looking the way I wanted you to look or performing the way I wish you could.  I’ve always just wanted to be the best at everything – whether that be running, sports, yoga, strength training, being pretty, whatever.  And you have kept me from doing that.  I feel that you have done nothing but hold me back my entire life, and it gets so frustrating.  I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more than to be happy with you and to be comfortable with your appearance…  But to be honest, I don’t even know what that means to me anymore.  I mean, I’ve experienced what it’s like for you to be the thinnest out of all of my friends and the biggest, but I was miserable at both ends of the spectrum.

So now that I think of it, I can understand that you would be having thoughts like, “What the **** do you want from me?!”  Especially during the times that I have abused you with restriction and even binging.  I always thought that I was doing what was best for you, but now I know that I have been doing just the opposite.  Oh, wait.  That trust word just popped up in my mind.  So maybe there is an aspect of trust that I am struggling with.  Or maybe it’s trusting the system…  Anyway, it’s the whole meal plan and stabilizing my weight thing that I’m having issues with.  How am I supposed to know how much is enough?  What if you don’t want to be the weight that I’d like you to be?  When am I going to figure out how to listen to the signals that you send me?  Is recovery ever going to feel as good as active addiction does?

If you ever find any answers to these questions, please let me know.  I’m getting pretty desperate.  I pray every day that something will click – like a switch in my mind that will just turn my ED voice off forever.  But I know that’s not how it works.  I know that God created me in His image, and I am exactly where I am meant to be according to His will.  I am so sorry that I have not been able to accept that.  I want to accept you just like He does.  It’s so easy for me to forget all that you do for me – all of the things that I take for granted – and cover them up with thoughts of self-hatred, shame, and anger.  I feel betrayed by you…  But I think it’s time for me to try to see things from your perspective and see how I have in fact betrayed you.

I hope that you will forgive me, and it is my prayer that some day we can be at peace.  I’m trying to learn to appreciate all that you have done and continue to do for me.  You are a miraculous work of art, signed by God, and deserve to be treated as such.

Thanks for listening,

Me