Stay Young, Go Dancing

I just love this song. ¬†Even though it doesn’t really have anything to do with what I’ll be writing about. ūüėČ

What I do want to write about, though, is how these past couple¬†weeks have been. ¬†Gosh, it’s been intense. ¬†So many ups and quite a few downs. ¬†But great, nonetheless. ūüôā

I really should be writing more‚Ķ ¬†Well, I guess I technically am writing a lot; I just never post what I write because it’s all things that my therapist wants me to write about. ¬†And sometimes that is a little more personal than I would like to share with the world right now, ha ha. ¬†I do plan on sharing a few at some point, though.

Ok, so back to the point:¬†treatment. ¬†It’s finally sinking in. ¬†I am in a treatment center to help me in recovery of my eating disorder. ¬†And to be honest, it is one of the best decisions I have ever made. ¬†Not only am I making steps towards recovery every day, I am learning more about myself and have made the most amazing friends. ¬†Gosh, I can’t even describe how wonderful these people are – the staff and fellow¬†clients. ¬†I’ve begun to feel closer to them than I have recently felt towards some of my oldest¬†friends and even family. ¬†It’s just so easy to be real – to be me – while I’m here because there’s no reason to have any guard up. ¬†I mean, we all know each other’s deepest secrets. ¬†It’s incredible, really. ¬†And so refreshing after hiding behind my problems for so long‚Ķ

Every day, I am challenged to dig deeper into my conscious in order to find out what it is¬†I am trying to cover up with my eating disorder. ¬†Anxiety? ¬†Depression? Guilt? ¬†Pain? ¬†It’s all there, but at this point I can’t distinguish one from another. ¬†I am wrestling with my inner being in an attempt to break down the wall I have been working my whole life to build up. ¬†The wall that keeps me from my deepest pain. ¬†But I am convinced that until I get to the root of the darkness trapped within my eating disorder, I won’t be able to overcome it.

Heavenly Father, hear my cry tonight.  Help me.  Save me.  Give me the desire, courage, and strength I need to overcome this battle.  Lord, I know that with Your mighty power within me, all things are possible.  Only You can save me, and I praise You for loving me enough to do that.  I am so deserving of all of the suffering I have ever gone through and more, but Your perfect love, grace, and mercy have rescued me from it all and always will.  Thank You for the blessings You have so willingly given me.  Please, God, forgive me of the ways I have failed You.  You know all of my faults and impurities.  You know my desires and my needs.  May Your will be done in all things, and may I praise You through it all.  Father, I pray all of these things for the glory of Your precious name, Amen.

Bliss

Ignorance really is bliss.  I have been thinking a lot lately about how easy life was before I knew.  Before I started worrying.  Before I became consumed by these destructive habits.

I often look back to the times when I didn’t feel the need to count every calorie or avoid “bad” foods.¬† I didn’t understand the effects my eating could have on my body; but, frankly, I didn’t care all that much.¬† I’m not saying that I was never self-conscious (because I definitely always have been); it was just never something that I put that much emphasis on.¬† I can remember when it finally switched for me – my turning point.¬† My freshman year of college; it was the first time I had been attending school and not simultaneously participating in some kind of extracurricular (band, softball, etc.).¬† But for some reason, even though I wasn’t trying to lose weight, I did.¬† It was probably from walking to and from my classes and having healthier dining options on campus.¬† Either way, people noticed.¬† And that felt good‚Ķ ¬†No, that felt amazing.¬† It ignited a fire in me that raged rampantly and consumed my thoughts, actions, and eventually my entire life.¬† It wasn’t really until the summer after my freshman year that I realized that I had a problem.¬† I was constantly looking up healthy recipes, subscribing to health food blogs, going to the gym as much as possible, and keeping up with every single calorie with an app on my phone.¬† It was just like an itch I could not seem to scratch.¬† I knew that I needed help, but I was having such a hard time communicating my struggles with others.¬† The guy I was semi-dating at the time responded to my concerns by saying, “I don’t think you can be too healthy.”¬† He didn’t realize how wrong he was and how hard it is to overcome such an intense internal battle.

Now, I understand how desperate I was to fill my life with something – anything – that I thought would make my life worth-while.¬† Something that would satisfy me and make me content‚Ķ ¬†What a selfish thing to do on my own!¬† I wasn’t thinking of anyone but myself and was so concerned with creating a better image of myself that I forgot what my purpose really is!¬† That is to glorify God with my WHOLE LIFE.¬† Not just the part of me that goes to church and sometimes blesses the food during meal time.¬† I had to [and am still working to] discover the value that I have in my Heavenly Father.¬† I was bought at a price!¬† What else do I need besides Him?

“Don‚Äôt you know that your body is a sanctuary of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought at a price. Therefore glorify God in your body.”

(1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

I am still struggling to find my worth solely in the Lord; I am fighting these demons every single day.  But I know, deep down, that I am NOTHING without Him.

Holy Spirit, make Your presence known in my life.  Lead me according to Your will, and teach me how to accept myself the way You accept me.  Thank You so much, God, for your immeasurable and unending love for me.  You fill me with joy that surpasses any other.  Please continue to be with me in recovery and to lean on You more and more throughout the process.  These past few days have been really, really tough, Lord, and I ask that You would forgive me of the ways I have failed You.  And help me to forgive myself.  I ask these things in the name of my Savior, Jesus Christ, Amen.

“Set your minds…

“Set your minds on what is above, not on what is on the earth.” (Colossians 3:2 HCSB)

Breakfast was ok.

Lunch was another story.

I was having such a hard time not reaching for something else‚Ķ¬† I was on my way back into the kitchen (mostly because my phone was still sitting by my coffee maker), and I physically had to redirect myself into my room to grab my bible.¬† I sat on my bed, opened it up to a random page and began reading.¬† It was in Ezekiel, I think, and it had to do with prophesying to a prince‚Ķ¬† But as I sat there, I couldn’t concentrate on what I was reading. ¬†My thoughts were elsewhere, and I began to pray and cry out to God.¬† Yes, sitting on my bed, I was basically shouting and asking God for peace.¬† I needed to have my thoughts redirected.¬† That is when Colossians 3:2 came into my mind: “Set your minds on what is above, not on what is on the earth.”¬† That is what I have to constantly remind myself to do.¬† I get so easily caught up in my temptations to gorge myself or restrict until I feel weak; I forget how to let go and allow God to take control!

On a lighter note, though: ¬†IT’S SNOWING, Y’ALL!!! ¬†And we are out of class both today and tomorrow. ¬†There is going to be so much Netflix watching/book reading/coffee drinking; it’s going to be great. ūüôā And you better believe that I have been singing Frozen alllll day.

Lord, thank You for speaking to me in miraculous ways recently.¬† I love drawing nearer to You and having a thirst for You.¬† Please continue to fill me with Your spirit, and guide me as I walk (and occasionally run) through life. ¬†Heavenly Father, I thank You for giving me worth, for making Your presence known in my life, for healing me, and most of all for loving me like no other.¬† I cherish the grace You continuously show me every single day. ¬†Give me the strength and courage I need to listen to Your words of direction and to be confident in the decisions I make.¬† Jesus, I thank You for loving me enough to humble Yourself, for becoming a sacrifice for MY sake, for overcoming the grave to sit at the right hand of Your Father in Heaven, and allowing me to have a relationship with You no matter how messed up I am. ¬†I am enough because You were enough. ‚̧ Father, I pray these things in order to bring glory to Your name, Amen.

Gavin DeGraw – Where You Are (Sweeter)

“I wanna be where You are‚Ķ” Even though this is a Gavin DeGraw song, I feel like it is a pretty accurate description of where I want to be at the moment (and from now on).
I need to figure out what I’m going to wear to class today‚Ķ But that doesn’t matter right now. ūüôā I started off my day with my usual cup of coffee and bowl of oatmeal, and I am feeling surprisingly good this morning! Yesterday was amazing. I was able to draw so near to the Lord; I actually spent a lot of time studying the Word and soaking in God’s presence. It was amazing how I was able to focus on things other than food for once.
My theme verse for the day was Psalm 46:10, which says “Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.” Such powerful words! Be STILL. That is something that I never do. My mind is constantly racing with some kind of anxious thought(s); I get so easily distracted from the true meaning of life. I put so many things above leading a life that exemplifies and glorifies God, and reading and studying that verse yesterday was like a slap in the face. I was sitting in Panera Bread, sipping my coffee, and for some reason felt overwhelmingly led to this passage of scripture. It started off as a mental repetition of the lyrics from Hillsong Live’s “Still,” which say “I will be still and know that You are God.” I came across some commentary on the verse, and something that stood out to me was this: We surrender “in order to objectively know the saving power of God in our lives.” There is so much truth in that statement. I must surrender. I can’t allow myself to remain trapped by the bounds of this eating disorder. My food rules, my obsessive calorie counting, my fixation on eating healthily, the list goes on‚Ķ I was putting all of these things above the Lord in my life. They had become my idols. But I know that the only way to be truly content in life is to place God as our one and ONLY idol. I received a verse from FINDINGbalance in an email this morning: “Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades. The woman to be admired… is the [one] who lives in the Fear of God.” (Prov. 31:30 MSG) This challenged me to find my beauty in God. To fixate my thoughts on being a reflection of Him, rather than making a better reflection of myself. I will find beauty in Him, because I was made in His image. And he is PERFECT.

He > I

God is above all.

He is in charge.

He has everything under control.

He gives me worth.

He is my label.

He.  Is.  All.  I.  Need.

I have to keep telling myself these things. ¬†I have been getting so caught up in worldly desires, expectations, treasures‚Ķ ¬†I keep forgetting where my worth comes from. ¬†It is from the Lord; not what I do, say, or eat. ¬†I have gotten into the habit of finding comfort in things other than God. ¬†Last night was the worst it’s been in a long time. ¬†Let’s just say I more than made up for the breakfast that I skipped in the morning. ¬†I know that binging is a typical part of recovery from an eating disorder, but I never realized how hard it could be to stop. ¬†It’s like I went from one extreme to the other. ¬†I didn’t give my body enough before, and now I’ve turned into a human garbage disposal. ¬†I put so much emphasis on what I eat throughout the day. ¬†When I eat; what I eat; where I eat.

But guess what?!

IT. DOESN’T. MATTER.

It just doesn’t! ¬†And I don’t understand why I have such a hard time wrapping my mind around that sometimes; I am just so easily distracted. ¬†But I know that God WILL provide me with the strength I need to be an overcomer. ¬†All I need to do is surrender…

Lord, please calm my heart. ¬†Clear my mind. ¬†Help me to constantly be reminded of Your goodness and Your incomparable love for me. ¬†And please lead me on the path of Your will for my life. ¬†Heavenly Father, I thank You so much for sending Your precious son, Jesus Christ, to be a sacrifice for MY sins and allowing me to draw near to You. ¬†I know I am so unworthy, but You have given me value. ¬†You bless me with so much every single day, and I pray that You will forgive me of my many sins. ¬†Please be with me as I try to be a light for You and be a conduit of Your love throughout my daily life. ¬†God, I ask all of these things in Your name and for Your glory, Amen. ‚̧

“He has rescued…

“He has rescued us from the domain of darkness and transferred us into the kingdom of the Son He loves. We have redemption, the forgiveness of sins, in Him.” (Colossians 1:13-14 HCSB)

Rescued.

That word means so much and is so powerful to me. ¬†I am starting this blog to share the way in which the Lord has delivered (and is currently delivering) me through the recovery from an eating disorder. ¬†I am a little nervous as I begin this new hobby, so please bear with me as I adjust. ¬†I keep a daily journal and thought this would be similar. ¬†But I am honestly quite intimidated as I look at this screen. ¬†I’m finally putting myself out there – exposing my feelings and struggles for whomever cares to see.

Today, I am really needing God’s strength to uphold me. ¬†I definitely have a lot on my mind. ¬†But in all circumstances, I know that whatever path He leads me to take is ultimately for my good and for His glory.

Heavenly Father, thank You for all that You have done in my life. ¬†Thank You for RESCUING me – for being here when I felt alone. ¬†Lord, I am Yours alone. ¬†Work through me. ¬†Speak through me. ¬†Help me to lead others to You. ¬†Give me the courage I need to do Your work and trust in Your ways. ¬†In your name and for Your glory I pray these things, Amen. ‚̧