My Special Day

What a dreary day.  It’s super early, and I’m sitting in my bed listening to the rain hit my window.  BUT, today is a special day for me…

It’s my one year recovery anniversary!

I have mixed feelings about it, though.  A part of me is trying to be happy about it, another is honestly upset that I’ve gained so much weight back, and another just wants to cry – from gratitude, freedom, love.  I can’t express how grateful I am for the love and support my family and close friends have shown me throughout this past year.  There have been many ups and downs, but their concern for my health and wellbeing has brought me to tears.  God has truly blessed me by surrounding me with people who deeply care for me, and I am overwhelmed by His unending love for me.  I have come such a long way from where I was a year ago.  I mean, I was afraid to eat almost anything…  I was miserable, I was alone, and I didn’t know what to do.  I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t know where to begin when it came to doing something about it.  That’s why I’m so thankful that my parents stepped in; they scheduled me a doctor’s appointment without me knowing, and my life was forever changed.  It’s because of them, my best friend, and her family that I can say that I have my life back.  God has led us through this valley – I’ve hit lows I never thought possible – but here I am today.  I’m not perfect (not even close), but I can say with confidence that I am happy.  And I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

Freedom?

birds_freedom_by_tina6668

Ok, so [again] it’s been wayyyy too long since I’ve posted on the blog. I’ve just been so busy!! Today, I’ve been babysitting since 7:30 this morning (which is finally starting to catch up with me – I’m so tired), and I think we might be going to the playground soon. I’m babysitting a six-year-old little boy and have been for about a month now. He’s definitely a cutie but has his moments… Ha ha. But anyway, things have been going ok I guess. Not perfect, but better I think. It’s been a while since I’ve had a blow-out binge episode, and I think I’ve had a pretty steady weight for the past month (I might have gained like 5 pounds). The urges are still there though, that’s for sure. I’m constantly thinking about how I need to lose weight and how I would look so much better if I did. I’ve been feeling so ugly lately, and it really gets me down. 😦 I mean, I have felt better about who I am as a person, but that doesn’t necessarily make me feel any prettier. I think I’m kind of doing the same thing I was doing with my past boyfriend – thinking that my current “beau” isn’t going to like me anymore because I’m getting bigger…

Which isn’t right…

I think…

Ugh, I just wish I could take it all back experience freedom again!!

I was going to say that I wish that I could take it all back, but I really don’t. This is a part of my testimony that God has allowed me to have so that I can reach out to other girls who may be experiencing something similar. So, I don’t wish it would’ve never happened; I just wish that it was a part of my past rather than a constant part of my present. It’s torturous, depressing, consuming, distracting, annoying, embarrassing, and just all things bad. It’s like a ghost that continues to haunt me every day, never at rest. I’m so ready to move on, but for some reason beyond my understanding it won’t let go. What is it that I find so appealing in those behaviors? The comfort? Satisfaction? Freedom? Is it because I do in fact find freedom in acting out on my urges? I guess that makes sense in a way… I’m always denying my desires as I seek freedom from this disease, which is so ironic because restricting your behaviors is the exact opposite of freedom.

Or is it?
“Then Jesus said to His disciples, ‘If anyone wants to come with Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life because of Me will find it. What will it benefit a man if he gains the whole world yet loses his life? Or what will a man give in exchange for his life?'” (Matthew 16:24-26 HCSB)
Maybe I’m thinking about it the wrong way! I think it’s time for some serious reframing to happen in my mind. I shouldn’t want to lose weight because it will gain me worldly approval; I should seek to honor God with my body and not give into temptations of gluttony or selfishness in order to soothe myself or make myself seem more appealing in man’s eyes.

Thank You, Lord, for making me enough.  Help me to seek beauty in Your eyes rather than trying to find it in this world.  Father, give me the strength I need to be an overcomer; I know that without You, I would never stand a chance.  I praise You for bringing me this far, and I am confident that You will deliver me from this battle.  I love You, Father, and praise You for all that you have done, are doing, and will do for me.  Jesus, I pray that I will continue striving every day to live my life as a reflection of You instead of a reflection of society or the people around me.  Thank You for willingly becoming the ultimate sacrifice so that I may live free from the bondage of my sin even though I am so deserving of it.  God, I ask that You will be with me and the rest of my family and friends who may be starting school or preparing for it this week.  I pray for smooth transitions to a new chapter of our lives.  Through it all, though, I pray that we all remember that even though our surroundings [or even our entire lives as we know it] change, You are the only thing that remains constant.  Thank You, God, for never leaving nor forsaking us!!!

Heavenly Father, I ask all of these things for the glory of Your name, Amen. ❤