Oh, Great is Our God!

Things are better; they’re getting easier.  I’m trying to look to different things to distract myself, like playing my guitar and spending time with friends.  It doesn’t take it away, though.  I pray every day that God will take away the pain, and I know that He has answered my prayer – it’s just going to be a slow process.  It’s almost like I’m grieving the loss of the relationship I had – I was pretty attached to it, after all.  But, despite all of the emotions that I’ve been dealing with, this week has been surprisingly good.  One of my friends asked me to go to formal with him (woohoo!!), and the Lord has been faithful in blessing me with good appointments with my treatment team this week.  I saw my nutritionist on Wednesday afternoon, and after expressing how badly I feel like I’ve been doing she told me how my weight has been very stable since August, and I was actually down a little from my last appointment.  Praise God!!  Not because I lost weight, but for answering my prayers to make progress in my recovery.  Before hearing what my nutritionist had to say about it, I felt like I had been overeating (even though I felt like I was actually giving myself what I wanted), so to know that I have actually been maintaining my weight is amazing.  Maybe I have been doing things right after all. 🙂

Church on Wednesday night was really great, too.  My college minister started a study that we’ll being doing through the end of the school year, and it’s focusing on prayers throughout the Bible.  He started us off with a prayer from Jeremiah 32, and I thought it was an interesting decision.  In the prayer, Jeremiah isn’t really asking God for anything or praying one of those “sun stand still” prayers that we have been emphasizing all year.  It was just a simple conversation – recognizing God’s goodness, faithfulness, and power.  Jeremiah was in prison at the time because of the prophesies he had interpreted from the Lord about Israel’s destruction.  Although annihilation was imminent, Jeremiah obeyed the Lord’s command to purchase a plot of land in Israel, and he made sure everyone knew about it!  Jeremiah knew that God would be faithful and return the land of milk and honey to His people.  So, Jeremiah’s prayer was focused towards God’s goodness to His people, His unwavering faithfulness, and His mighty power over everything – nothing is too great for Him.

Studying that passage convicted me, because I haven’t been trying to see God’s perfect will behind all of the pain I’ve been going through.  I don’t understand why I’m going through this trying time (much like Jeremiah didn’t understand why God wanted him to buy that land), but I know that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me.  God’s word says that all things work for the good of those who love Him and that I have been created for God’s glory.

Hallelujah!  Through my suffering, may God be praised and glorified!

Father, I pray that not my will but Yours be done.  Amen. ❤

The Lord is Close

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“The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their cry for help. The face of the Lord is set against those who do what is evil, to erase all memory of them from the earth. The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is near the brokenhearted; He saves those crushed in spirit. Many adversities come to the one who is righteous, but the Lord delivers him from them all. He protects all his bones; not one of them is broken.”
(‭Psalms‬ ‭34‬:‭15-20‬ HCSB)

Triumph meets Trial

Hello, world!  Long time, no read, eh? 😉

Well, I guess I’ll start off with a run through of how life has been for me.  I’ve pretty much made it through the first wave of tests the semester has thrown at me, woohoo!  I only wish that I could say that I made it through unscathed.  To say that this week has been a trial would be an understatement, and I’m still feeling its weight like I’m carrying it around in my backpack.  To be honest, it sucks.

I mean, I was doing so well.

To be on an uphill climb for such a long time.

To be cutting back on clinic visits and counselor appointments.

To be able to honestly say that you can’t remember the last time you acted out on urges….

Just to hit rock bottom again.

Some say that relapse is inevitable.  Some say once an addict, always an addict (and yes, I am referring to my eating disorder as an addiction).

But, right now, I say screw what everybody else says.  Why can’t I have my recovery and keep it that way???

It’s easier said than done, though (understatement of the century).   Today I had the first fall through that I’ve had in a long time.  The urges pulling at me in all different directions – I couldn’t handle it.  I had to do something to shut them up [or quiet them down at the least].  So I gave in.

weak

Weak

WEAK

I know you’re probably thinking, “Come on, don’t be so hard on yourself,” and I totally agree with you!  But it’s just what I do.  I’m my own worst critic.  It’s always been that way, and I’m convinced that it always will.  I just can’t believe that after I had been doing so well for so long……  I threw it all away just like that.

Why?

Well, I don’t think that it was just totally uncalled for and on a whim.  Last week took a real toll on my mentality towards my recovery – long lost feelings of anxiety creeping up, unnecessary exposure to triggers, old urges screaming at me day in and day out.  My nutritionist said I had actually handled myself really well.  And I’m proud of that, for sure.  I just wish I had handled myself a bit better.  I’m just tired of it…  Having to constantly reorient yourself towards recovery is tough and can easily eat up hours of your precious time that needs to be spent elsewhere.  But I guess it’s worth the fight.  I tell girls all the time that they are worth recovery – that the fight is hard and the battle is long, but that can’t compare to the sweetness of freedom.

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us.”
(Romans 8:18 HCSB)

Why am I so selfish to think that I am the exception to this message that GOD – the almighty, all-knowing, creator of the Universe – has given to me?  Why are MY problems so big and bad and terrible that they could even come close to comparing to the glory of God’s presence???

Wow, I need a reality check.

Father, forgive me of my selfishness, pride, ignorance, vanity, hypocrisy…  Wash away the filth that I am ladened with; lift this burden that I can’t carry on my own.  Open my eyes to see the beauty I have in You and that the fight I wage here in this world could never compare to the glorious splendor that is to come.  Lord, You know my every need, and I trust You to meet those needs.  Thank You for Your everlasting love, mercy, grace, and goodness.  Thank You for being my steady and unchanging foundation in this ever-changing world.  I love You, and I praise You for all that You do for me.  I ask all these things for the glory of Your name, Amen.

Stay Young, Go Dancing

I just love this song.  Even though it doesn’t really have anything to do with what I’ll be writing about. 😉

What I do want to write about, though, is how these past couple weeks have been.  Gosh, it’s been intense.  So many ups and quite a few downs.  But great, nonetheless. 🙂

I really should be writing more…  Well, I guess I technically am writing a lot; I just never post what I write because it’s all things that my therapist wants me to write about.  And sometimes that is a little more personal than I would like to share with the world right now, ha ha.  I do plan on sharing a few at some point, though.

Ok, so back to the point: treatment.  It’s finally sinking in.  I am in a treatment center to help me in recovery of my eating disorder.  And to be honest, it is one of the best decisions I have ever made.  Not only am I making steps towards recovery every day, I am learning more about myself and have made the most amazing friends.  Gosh, I can’t even describe how wonderful these people are – the staff and fellow clients.  I’ve begun to feel closer to them than I have recently felt towards some of my oldest friends and even family.  It’s just so easy to be real – to be me – while I’m here because there’s no reason to have any guard up.  I mean, we all know each other’s deepest secrets.  It’s incredible, really.  And so refreshing after hiding behind my problems for so long…

Every day, I am challenged to dig deeper into my conscious in order to find out what it is I am trying to cover up with my eating disorder.  Anxiety?  Depression? Guilt?  Pain?  It’s all there, but at this point I can’t distinguish one from another.  I am wrestling with my inner being in an attempt to break down the wall I have been working my whole life to build up.  The wall that keeps me from my deepest pain.  But I am convinced that until I get to the root of the darkness trapped within my eating disorder, I won’t be able to overcome it.

Heavenly Father, hear my cry tonight.  Help me.  Save me.  Give me the desire, courage, and strength I need to overcome this battle.  Lord, I know that with Your mighty power within me, all things are possible.  Only You can save me, and I praise You for loving me enough to do that.  I am so deserving of all of the suffering I have ever gone through and more, but Your perfect love, grace, and mercy have rescued me from it all and always will.  Thank You for the blessings You have so willingly given me.  Please, God, forgive me of the ways I have failed You.  You know all of my faults and impurities.  You know my desires and my needs.  May Your will be done in all things, and may I praise You through it all.  Father, I pray all of these things for the glory of Your precious name, Amen.

Religion says DO; Jesus says DONE

I love this video so much.  It so easy for us, as Christians, to get caught up in the legalities of religion.  I know I often make decisions or act on what I think is “right” instead of taking a step back and asking God for guidance.  I forget that, in the light of God’s grace and mercy, no matter what or how many “good” things I do, I will never be deserving of the gift He has given me in eternal life.  BUT, there is also no amount of “wrong” things I can (and will) do to separate me from His love.

Ok, confession time…  Lately, I have been struggling to find my passion and inspiration for writing, which is strange because I have never really had a problem with it.  I find myself feeling flat and, frankly, apathetic.  But I think it may be from the stress of this semester; it’s finally made me kind of numb to everything.  I tend to block things out rather than confront them, and I get so wrapped up in worrying about things that I never get around to accomplishing anything!  I think it might be a procrastination mechanism, to be honest.  But I have recently had a wake up call.  After making a couple of bad (and when I say bad, I mean the worst I have ever received) grades on assignments this past week, I know that I can’t keep running.  I can’t keep hiding.  I have to face reality with confidence, for I have not received a spirit of fear but one of POWER (2 Tim. 1:7).  But it’s not just from school that I hide myself.  It’s life in general.  My recovery, anxiety, guilt, the list goes on…  Sometimes I feel that I have messed up so much already, that there is no turning back.  But that is not who I am!  I am filled with the joy that comes only from my Heavenly Father.  His love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18); it is perfect, infinite, and unwavering.

“When the disciples heard this, they were utterly astonished and asked, “Then who can be saved?”  But Jesus looked at them and said, “With men this is impossible,

but with God all things are possible.”

Matthew 19:25-26 HCSB

Praise the Lord for His grace and mercy.  I am so unworthy; yet, He loved me enough to send His SON as a sacrifice for my sins.  Jesus took on the weight of my transgressions, bore them on the cross, was separated from His own Father, laid in a tomb, but ROSE AGAIN.  He DEFEATED death.  For me.  For YOU!  That’s why there is nothing that we can DO that will earn us salvation.  God has given it to us freely; all we have to do is reach out and take it. ❤

[no] Answers

I have no answers.

I know where to find them… I know where to look.

But why am I holding back?

Why am I weak?

Because I am human.

Yes, I understand that no one leads a flawless life – especially me. The only thing perfect in me is my God – my Rock and my Redeemer. Anything and everything good in me comes from Him alone. Because of His all-encompassing grace and mercy, He allows me to start over with a clean slate every single day. Oh, how great is His love for us! As I write this, I am reminded of God’s incomprehensible goodness, and I begin to question the reason behind my worrying rather than the worry in itself.

He is where I find my answers.

“Keep asking, and it will be given to you. Keep searching, and you will find. Keep knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who searches finds, and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” (Matthew 7:7, 8 HCSB)

Spoken from the embodiment of perfection, Himself.

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“Set your minds…

“Set your minds on what is above, not on what is on the earth.” (Colossians 3:2 HCSB)

Breakfast was ok.

Lunch was another story.

I was having such a hard time not reaching for something else…  I was on my way back into the kitchen (mostly because my phone was still sitting by my coffee maker), and I physically had to redirect myself into my room to grab my bible.  I sat on my bed, opened it up to a random page and began reading.  It was in Ezekiel, I think, and it had to do with prophesying to a prince…  But as I sat there, I couldn’t concentrate on what I was reading.  My thoughts were elsewhere, and I began to pray and cry out to God.  Yes, sitting on my bed, I was basically shouting and asking God for peace.  I needed to have my thoughts redirected.  That is when Colossians 3:2 came into my mind: “Set your minds on what is above, not on what is on the earth.”  That is what I have to constantly remind myself to do.  I get so easily caught up in my temptations to gorge myself or restrict until I feel weak; I forget how to let go and allow God to take control!

On a lighter note, though:  IT’S SNOWING, Y’ALL!!!  And we are out of class both today and tomorrow.  There is going to be so much Netflix watching/book reading/coffee drinking; it’s going to be great. 🙂 And you better believe that I have been singing Frozen alllll day.

Lord, thank You for speaking to me in miraculous ways recently.  I love drawing nearer to You and having a thirst for You.  Please continue to fill me with Your spirit, and guide me as I walk (and occasionally run) through life.  Heavenly Father, I thank You for giving me worth, for making Your presence known in my life, for healing me, and most of all for loving me like no other.  I cherish the grace You continuously show me every single day.  Give me the strength and courage I need to listen to Your words of direction and to be confident in the decisions I make.  Jesus, I thank You for loving me enough to humble Yourself, for becoming a sacrifice for MY sake, for overcoming the grave to sit at the right hand of Your Father in Heaven, and allowing me to have a relationship with You no matter how messed up I am.  I am enough because You were enough. ❤ Father, I pray these things in order to bring glory to Your name, Amen.