Broken

Last night was one of the worst nights I’ve had in a long time.  The closest thing I’ve had to a boyfriend (I’ll call him Guy for the sake of anonymity) for the past 5 years and 8 months officially broke up with me.  Well, broke off whatever it was that we had….

It started off as a typical phone conversation, he asked me about my profile picture (which has one of my best guy friends in it), and we talked about school.  And then he pulled out his typical line, “I guess we should talk about us now…”  So we did.  He told me that he has been praying a lot about it and he felt like God had spoken to him through a speaker they had at chapel or something, and he feels like it would be best if we weren’t romantically involved at all.  He also said that he’s been thinking about Girl (I’m not going to say her name, but she works with Guy) a lot, and might try to see how things go with her…  Of course I was upset, but I tried not to make him feel worse than he already did.  He said he felt like it would only be fair that I knew after the whole me keeping my last relationship a secret incident.  So I can’t be mad at him for that…  I told him how much I “care” about him (I can’t use the “love” word… It’s complicated), and he said the same to me.  I told him pretty much everything that came to my mind.  I don’t understand why he wants to pursue Girl since he was so sure that he wanted to date me last time he came to see me; I’m scared of facing life without him because he has been my go-to person for so long; I can’t see myself (or even WANT to see myself) with anyone else; he is one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met; blah, blah, blah.  At first, he tried to tell me how this doesn’t mean that we won’t work out in the future, but I stopped him mid-sentence.  I told him that I can’t handle hearing that anymore.  And after I told him how amazing I think he is, he started doing the same to me, but I told him to stop.  He did that thing where he’s like, “[insert my name here]…”  because he hates it when I talk down about myself.  He said the same thing when I told him how lucky Girl is…  But it’s truly how I feel.  She’s the luckiest girl in the world as far as I’m concerned.  But whatever.  At one point (a few minutes before we hung up) he told, “You’re a strong woman, [insert my name here],” and when I asked him why, he was just like, “You just are,” or something like that.  Almost immediately after that, I heard him throwing up in the background.  Btw, he was in his car because “his phone was dying” and he was charging it in his car.  I have a hard time believing that that was the only reason he was out there, seeing as his roommate was home.  He had mentioned previously that he felt sick to his stomach, but I really was shocked when he got sick.  I guess I didn’t realize how upset he really was. 😦 But by the end of the conversation, I was just like, “I kind of thought that us stepping out on our faith would mean trying to make things work, but I guess that’s not what stepping out on our faith really is…”

Gosh, writing this all out – reenacting it in my head – really sucks. 😦 All of my roommates are either still asleep or already off to class…  And I’m in my room alone, trying to sort out what happened to me.  To say that I’m sad is an understatement.  Devastated is more like it, but I’m hoping it will get better sooner rather than later.  I called my mom immediately after it happened and spilled my guts to her too, telling her how much I love him.  She ended up asking me if I told him that…  That I loved him, that is.  And of course I didn’t.  We all know how Guy feels about the L-word.  And I’m afraid of how he would react to it…  But she tells me that I need to let him know how I truly feel – that it will make me feel better.  But I obviously can’t do that any time soon because when Guy asked me whether I would like to take a break or keep him as close as I can, I told him that I probably need some space.  Not because that’s what I want, but because it might be what I need.  And I think it is.  So maybe I can get to that whole “love” thing later…

Oh, and btw, I deactivated my Facebook for the first time ever.  I’ve decided to fast from social media.  My first ever fast that I’ve felt called to do.  It came to me while I was thinking (in the shower, of course), and I think it would be best if I just didn’t have those things to watch Guy’s profiles or anything.  Being logged into them is too much of a temptation, so I logged out of my Twitter and Instagram too.  I still use Tumblr and WordPress, but only because I really don’t have any social ties on them.  They’re strictly emotional outlets…

But yeah, that’s pretty much what happened last night.  It sucked.  I suck.  Life sucks.  But God’s here.  And He always will be. ❤

The Lord is Close

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“The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their cry for help. The face of the Lord is set against those who do what is evil, to erase all memory of them from the earth. The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is near the brokenhearted; He saves those crushed in spirit. Many adversities come to the one who is righteous, but the Lord delivers him from them all. He protects all his bones; not one of them is broken.”
(‭Psalms‬ ‭34‬:‭15-20‬ HCSB)

Stay Young, Go Dancing

I just love this song.  Even though it doesn’t really have anything to do with what I’ll be writing about. 😉

What I do want to write about, though, is how these past couple weeks have been.  Gosh, it’s been intense.  So many ups and quite a few downs.  But great, nonetheless. 🙂

I really should be writing more…  Well, I guess I technically am writing a lot; I just never post what I write because it’s all things that my therapist wants me to write about.  And sometimes that is a little more personal than I would like to share with the world right now, ha ha.  I do plan on sharing a few at some point, though.

Ok, so back to the point: treatment.  It’s finally sinking in.  I am in a treatment center to help me in recovery of my eating disorder.  And to be honest, it is one of the best decisions I have ever made.  Not only am I making steps towards recovery every day, I am learning more about myself and have made the most amazing friends.  Gosh, I can’t even describe how wonderful these people are – the staff and fellow clients.  I’ve begun to feel closer to them than I have recently felt towards some of my oldest friends and even family.  It’s just so easy to be real – to be me – while I’m here because there’s no reason to have any guard up.  I mean, we all know each other’s deepest secrets.  It’s incredible, really.  And so refreshing after hiding behind my problems for so long…

Every day, I am challenged to dig deeper into my conscious in order to find out what it is I am trying to cover up with my eating disorder.  Anxiety?  Depression? Guilt?  Pain?  It’s all there, but at this point I can’t distinguish one from another.  I am wrestling with my inner being in an attempt to break down the wall I have been working my whole life to build up.  The wall that keeps me from my deepest pain.  But I am convinced that until I get to the root of the darkness trapped within my eating disorder, I won’t be able to overcome it.

Heavenly Father, hear my cry tonight.  Help me.  Save me.  Give me the desire, courage, and strength I need to overcome this battle.  Lord, I know that with Your mighty power within me, all things are possible.  Only You can save me, and I praise You for loving me enough to do that.  I am so deserving of all of the suffering I have ever gone through and more, but Your perfect love, grace, and mercy have rescued me from it all and always will.  Thank You for the blessings You have so willingly given me.  Please, God, forgive me of the ways I have failed You.  You know all of my faults and impurities.  You know my desires and my needs.  May Your will be done in all things, and may I praise You through it all.  Father, I pray all of these things for the glory of Your precious name, Amen.

“Set your minds…

“Set your minds on what is above, not on what is on the earth.” (Colossians 3:2 HCSB)

Breakfast was ok.

Lunch was another story.

I was having such a hard time not reaching for something else…  I was on my way back into the kitchen (mostly because my phone was still sitting by my coffee maker), and I physically had to redirect myself into my room to grab my bible.  I sat on my bed, opened it up to a random page and began reading.  It was in Ezekiel, I think, and it had to do with prophesying to a prince…  But as I sat there, I couldn’t concentrate on what I was reading.  My thoughts were elsewhere, and I began to pray and cry out to God.  Yes, sitting on my bed, I was basically shouting and asking God for peace.  I needed to have my thoughts redirected.  That is when Colossians 3:2 came into my mind: “Set your minds on what is above, not on what is on the earth.”  That is what I have to constantly remind myself to do.  I get so easily caught up in my temptations to gorge myself or restrict until I feel weak; I forget how to let go and allow God to take control!

On a lighter note, though:  IT’S SNOWING, Y’ALL!!!  And we are out of class both today and tomorrow.  There is going to be so much Netflix watching/book reading/coffee drinking; it’s going to be great. 🙂 And you better believe that I have been singing Frozen alllll day.

Lord, thank You for speaking to me in miraculous ways recently.  I love drawing nearer to You and having a thirst for You.  Please continue to fill me with Your spirit, and guide me as I walk (and occasionally run) through life.  Heavenly Father, I thank You for giving me worth, for making Your presence known in my life, for healing me, and most of all for loving me like no other.  I cherish the grace You continuously show me every single day.  Give me the strength and courage I need to listen to Your words of direction and to be confident in the decisions I make.  Jesus, I thank You for loving me enough to humble Yourself, for becoming a sacrifice for MY sake, for overcoming the grave to sit at the right hand of Your Father in Heaven, and allowing me to have a relationship with You no matter how messed up I am.  I am enough because You were enough. ❤ Father, I pray these things in order to bring glory to Your name, Amen.