The Lord is Close

IMG_2860.JPG

“The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their cry for help. The face of the Lord is set against those who do what is evil, to erase all memory of them from the earth. The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is near the brokenhearted; He saves those crushed in spirit. Many adversities come to the one who is righteous, but the Lord delivers him from them all. He protects all his bones; not one of them is broken.”
(‭Psalms‬ ‭34‬:‭15-20‬ HCSB)

Triumph meets Trial

Hello, world!  Long time, no read, eh? 😉

Well, I guess I’ll start off with a run through of how life has been for me.  I’ve pretty much made it through the first wave of tests the semester has thrown at me, woohoo!  I only wish that I could say that I made it through unscathed.  To say that this week has been a trial would be an understatement, and I’m still feeling its weight like I’m carrying it around in my backpack.  To be honest, it sucks.

I mean, I was doing so well.

To be on an uphill climb for such a long time.

To be cutting back on clinic visits and counselor appointments.

To be able to honestly say that you can’t remember the last time you acted out on urges….

Just to hit rock bottom again.

Some say that relapse is inevitable.  Some say once an addict, always an addict (and yes, I am referring to my eating disorder as an addiction).

But, right now, I say screw what everybody else says.  Why can’t I have my recovery and keep it that way???

It’s easier said than done, though (understatement of the century).   Today I had the first fall through that I’ve had in a long time.  The urges pulling at me in all different directions – I couldn’t handle it.  I had to do something to shut them up [or quiet them down at the least].  So I gave in.

weak

Weak

WEAK

I know you’re probably thinking, “Come on, don’t be so hard on yourself,” and I totally agree with you!  But it’s just what I do.  I’m my own worst critic.  It’s always been that way, and I’m convinced that it always will.  I just can’t believe that after I had been doing so well for so long……  I threw it all away just like that.

Why?

Well, I don’t think that it was just totally uncalled for and on a whim.  Last week took a real toll on my mentality towards my recovery – long lost feelings of anxiety creeping up, unnecessary exposure to triggers, old urges screaming at me day in and day out.  My nutritionist said I had actually handled myself really well.  And I’m proud of that, for sure.  I just wish I had handled myself a bit better.  I’m just tired of it…  Having to constantly reorient yourself towards recovery is tough and can easily eat up hours of your precious time that needs to be spent elsewhere.  But I guess it’s worth the fight.  I tell girls all the time that they are worth recovery – that the fight is hard and the battle is long, but that can’t compare to the sweetness of freedom.

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us.”
(Romans 8:18 HCSB)

Why am I so selfish to think that I am the exception to this message that GOD – the almighty, all-knowing, creator of the Universe – has given to me?  Why are MY problems so big and bad and terrible that they could even come close to comparing to the glory of God’s presence???

Wow, I need a reality check.

Father, forgive me of my selfishness, pride, ignorance, vanity, hypocrisy…  Wash away the filth that I am ladened with; lift this burden that I can’t carry on my own.  Open my eyes to see the beauty I have in You and that the fight I wage here in this world could never compare to the glorious splendor that is to come.  Lord, You know my every need, and I trust You to meet those needs.  Thank You for Your everlasting love, mercy, grace, and goodness.  Thank You for being my steady and unchanging foundation in this ever-changing world.  I love You, and I praise You for all that You do for me.  I ask all these things for the glory of Your name, Amen.

Religion says DO; Jesus says DONE

I love this video so much.  It so easy for us, as Christians, to get caught up in the legalities of religion.  I know I often make decisions or act on what I think is “right” instead of taking a step back and asking God for guidance.  I forget that, in the light of God’s grace and mercy, no matter what or how many “good” things I do, I will never be deserving of the gift He has given me in eternal life.  BUT, there is also no amount of “wrong” things I can (and will) do to separate me from His love.

Ok, confession time…  Lately, I have been struggling to find my passion and inspiration for writing, which is strange because I have never really had a problem with it.  I find myself feeling flat and, frankly, apathetic.  But I think it may be from the stress of this semester; it’s finally made me kind of numb to everything.  I tend to block things out rather than confront them, and I get so wrapped up in worrying about things that I never get around to accomplishing anything!  I think it might be a procrastination mechanism, to be honest.  But I have recently had a wake up call.  After making a couple of bad (and when I say bad, I mean the worst I have ever received) grades on assignments this past week, I know that I can’t keep running.  I can’t keep hiding.  I have to face reality with confidence, for I have not received a spirit of fear but one of POWER (2 Tim. 1:7).  But it’s not just from school that I hide myself.  It’s life in general.  My recovery, anxiety, guilt, the list goes on…  Sometimes I feel that I have messed up so much already, that there is no turning back.  But that is not who I am!  I am filled with the joy that comes only from my Heavenly Father.  His love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18); it is perfect, infinite, and unwavering.

“When the disciples heard this, they were utterly astonished and asked, “Then who can be saved?”  But Jesus looked at them and said, “With men this is impossible,

but with God all things are possible.”

Matthew 19:25-26 HCSB

Praise the Lord for His grace and mercy.  I am so unworthy; yet, He loved me enough to send His SON as a sacrifice for my sins.  Jesus took on the weight of my transgressions, bore them on the cross, was separated from His own Father, laid in a tomb, but ROSE AGAIN.  He DEFEATED death.  For me.  For YOU!  That’s why there is nothing that we can DO that will earn us salvation.  God has given it to us freely; all we have to do is reach out and take it. ❤

everlasting mercy

Today is a new day!

I am renewed.  Refreshed.  RESCUED.

lamentations-3-22-23

Lamentations 3:22-23 (HCSB):  “Because of the Lord’s faithful love we do not perish, for His mercies never end.  They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness!”

There are many reasons I love this passage of scripture, and today, it has given me the strength I need to persevere.  As I study these verses, I am reminded of the importance not only of mourning over our sin but of asking the Lord for His forgiveness when we fail Him.

There is nothing I can do about my past, and I must embrace the PRESENT.  Time to put any shame, guilt, or hopelessness I have behind me and look towards the everlasting mercy I have in my Savior, Jesus Christ.

We are washed clean of our sins daily and must press on knowing that He will love us no matter how filthy and broken we are.  That does not grant us permission to lead a life that is constantly going astray; but it gives us encouragement that when we do make a wrong turn, God will direct us back onto the straight and narrow.

Jesus, grant us peace.