Freedom?

birds_freedom_by_tina6668

Ok, so [again] it’s been wayyyy too long since I’ve posted on the blog. I’ve just been so busy!! Today, I’ve been babysitting since 7:30 this morning (which is finally starting to catch up with me – I’m so tired), and I think we might be going to the playground soon. I’m babysitting a six-year-old little boy and have been for about a month now. He’s definitely a cutie but has his moments‚Ķ Ha ha. But anyway, things have been going ok I guess. Not perfect, but better I think. It’s been a while since I’ve had a blow-out binge episode, and I think I’ve had a pretty steady weight for the past month (I might have gained like 5 pounds). The urges are still there though, that’s for sure. I’m constantly thinking about how I need to lose weight and how I would look so much better if I did. I’ve been feeling so ugly lately, and it really gets me down. ūüė¶ I mean, I have felt better about who I am as a person, but that doesn’t necessarily make me feel any prettier. I think I’m kind of doing the same thing I was doing with my past boyfriend – thinking that my current “beau” isn’t going to like me anymore because I’m getting bigger‚Ķ

Which isn’t right‚Ķ

I think…

Ugh, I just wish I could take it all back experience freedom again!!

I was going to say that I wish that I could take it all back, but I really don’t. This is a part of my testimony that God has allowed me to have so that I can reach out to other girls who may be experiencing something similar. So, I don’t wish it would’ve never happened; I just wish that it was a part of my past rather than a constant part of my present. It’s torturous, depressing, consuming, distracting, annoying, embarrassing, and just all things bad. It’s like a ghost that continues to haunt me every day, never at rest. I’m so ready to move on, but for some reason beyond my understanding it won’t let go. What is it that I find so appealing in those behaviors? The comfort? Satisfaction? Freedom? Is it because I do in fact find freedom in acting out on my urges? I guess that makes sense in a way‚Ķ I’m always denying my desires as I seek freedom from this disease, which is so ironic because restricting your behaviors is the exact opposite of freedom.

Or is it?
“Then Jesus said to His disciples, ‘If anyone wants to come with Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life because of Me will find it. What will it benefit a man if he gains the whole world yet loses his life? Or what will a man give in exchange for his life?'” (Matthew 16:24-26 HCSB)
Maybe I’m thinking about it the wrong way! I think it’s time for some serious reframing to happen in my mind. I shouldn’t want to lose weight because it will gain me worldly approval; I should seek to honor God with my body and not give into temptations of gluttony or selfishness in order to soothe myself or make myself seem more appealing in man’s eyes.

Thank You, Lord, for making me enough.  Help me to seek beauty in Your eyes rather than trying to find it in this world.  Father, give me the strength I need to be an overcomer; I know that without You, I would never stand a chance.  I praise You for bringing me this far, and I am confident that You will deliver me from this battle.  I love You, Father, and praise You for all that you have done, are doing, and will do for me.  Jesus, I pray that I will continue striving every day to live my life as a reflection of You instead of a reflection of society or the people around me.  Thank You for willingly becoming the ultimate sacrifice so that I may live free from the bondage of my sin even though I am so deserving of it.  God, I ask that You will be with me and the rest of my family and friends who may be starting school or preparing for it this week.  I pray for smooth transitions to a new chapter of our lives.  Through it all, though, I pray that we all remember that even though our surroundings [or even our entire lives as we know it] change, You are the only thing that remains constant.  Thank You, God, for never leaving nor forsaking us!!!

Heavenly Father, I ask all of these things for the glory of Your name, Amen. ‚̧

Stay Young, Go Dancing

I just love this song. ¬†Even though it doesn’t really have anything to do with what I’ll be writing about. ūüėČ

What I do want to write about, though, is how these past couple¬†weeks have been. ¬†Gosh, it’s been intense. ¬†So many ups and quite a few downs. ¬†But great, nonetheless. ūüôā

I really should be writing more‚Ķ ¬†Well, I guess I technically am writing a lot; I just never post what I write because it’s all things that my therapist wants me to write about. ¬†And sometimes that is a little more personal than I would like to share with the world right now, ha ha. ¬†I do plan on sharing a few at some point, though.

Ok, so back to the point:¬†treatment. ¬†It’s finally sinking in. ¬†I am in a treatment center to help me in recovery of my eating disorder. ¬†And to be honest, it is one of the best decisions I have ever made. ¬†Not only am I making steps towards recovery every day, I am learning more about myself and have made the most amazing friends. ¬†Gosh, I can’t even describe how wonderful these people are – the staff and fellow¬†clients. ¬†I’ve begun to feel closer to them than I have recently felt towards some of my oldest¬†friends and even family. ¬†It’s just so easy to be real – to be me – while I’m here because there’s no reason to have any guard up. ¬†I mean, we all know each other’s deepest secrets. ¬†It’s incredible, really. ¬†And so refreshing after hiding behind my problems for so long‚Ķ

Every day, I am challenged to dig deeper into my conscious in order to find out what it is¬†I am trying to cover up with my eating disorder. ¬†Anxiety? ¬†Depression? Guilt? ¬†Pain? ¬†It’s all there, but at this point I can’t distinguish one from another. ¬†I am wrestling with my inner being in an attempt to break down the wall I have been working my whole life to build up. ¬†The wall that keeps me from my deepest pain. ¬†But I am convinced that until I get to the root of the darkness trapped within my eating disorder, I won’t be able to overcome it.

Heavenly Father, hear my cry tonight.  Help me.  Save me.  Give me the desire, courage, and strength I need to overcome this battle.  Lord, I know that with Your mighty power within me, all things are possible.  Only You can save me, and I praise You for loving me enough to do that.  I am so deserving of all of the suffering I have ever gone through and more, but Your perfect love, grace, and mercy have rescued me from it all and always will.  Thank You for the blessings You have so willingly given me.  Please, God, forgive me of the ways I have failed You.  You know all of my faults and impurities.  You know my desires and my needs.  May Your will be done in all things, and may I praise You through it all.  Father, I pray all of these things for the glory of Your precious name, Amen.

He > I

God is above all.

He is in charge.

He has everything under control.

He gives me worth.

He is my label.

He.  Is.  All.  I.  Need.

I have to keep telling myself these things. ¬†I have been getting so caught up in worldly desires, expectations, treasures‚Ķ ¬†I keep forgetting where my worth comes from. ¬†It is from the Lord; not what I do, say, or eat. ¬†I have gotten into the habit of finding comfort in things other than God. ¬†Last night was the worst it’s been in a long time. ¬†Let’s just say I more than made up for the breakfast that I skipped in the morning. ¬†I know that binging is a typical part of recovery from an eating disorder, but I never realized how hard it could be to stop. ¬†It’s like I went from one extreme to the other. ¬†I didn’t give my body enough before, and now I’ve turned into a human garbage disposal. ¬†I put so much emphasis on what I eat throughout the day. ¬†When I eat; what I eat; where I eat.

But guess what?!

IT. DOESN’T. MATTER.

It just doesn’t! ¬†And I don’t understand why I have such a hard time wrapping my mind around that sometimes; I am just so easily distracted. ¬†But I know that God WILL provide me with the strength I need to be an overcomer. ¬†All I need to do is surrender…

Lord, please calm my heart. ¬†Clear my mind. ¬†Help me to constantly be reminded of Your goodness and Your incomparable love for me. ¬†And please lead me on the path of Your will for my life. ¬†Heavenly Father, I thank You so much for sending Your precious son, Jesus Christ, to be a sacrifice for MY sins and allowing me to draw near to You. ¬†I know I am so unworthy, but You have given me value. ¬†You bless me with so much every single day, and I pray that You will forgive me of my many sins. ¬†Please be with me as I try to be a light for You and be a conduit of Your love throughout my daily life. ¬†God, I ask all of these things in Your name and for Your glory, Amen. ‚̧