Oh, Great is Our God!

Things are better; they’re getting easier.  I’m trying to look to different things to distract myself, like playing my guitar and spending time with friends.  It doesn’t take it away, though.  I pray every day that God will take away the pain, and I know that He has answered my prayer – it’s just going to be a slow process.  It’s almost like I’m grieving the loss of the relationship I had – I was pretty attached to it, after all.  But, despite all of the emotions that I’ve been dealing with, this week has been surprisingly good.  One of my friends asked me to go to formal with him (woohoo!!), and the Lord has been faithful in blessing me with good appointments with my treatment team this week.  I saw my nutritionist on Wednesday afternoon, and after expressing how badly I feel like I’ve been doing she told me how my weight has been very stable since August, and I was actually down a little from my last appointment.  Praise God!!  Not because I lost weight, but for answering my prayers to make progress in my recovery.  Before hearing what my nutritionist had to say about it, I felt like I had been overeating (even though I felt like I was actually giving myself what I wanted), so to know that I have actually been maintaining my weight is amazing.  Maybe I have been doing things right after all. 🙂

Church on Wednesday night was really great, too.  My college minister started a study that we’ll being doing through the end of the school year, and it’s focusing on prayers throughout the Bible.  He started us off with a prayer from Jeremiah 32, and I thought it was an interesting decision.  In the prayer, Jeremiah isn’t really asking God for anything or praying one of those “sun stand still” prayers that we have been emphasizing all year.  It was just a simple conversation – recognizing God’s goodness, faithfulness, and power.  Jeremiah was in prison at the time because of the prophesies he had interpreted from the Lord about Israel’s destruction.  Although annihilation was imminent, Jeremiah obeyed the Lord’s command to purchase a plot of land in Israel, and he made sure everyone knew about it!  Jeremiah knew that God would be faithful and return the land of milk and honey to His people.  So, Jeremiah’s prayer was focused towards God’s goodness to His people, His unwavering faithfulness, and His mighty power over everything – nothing is too great for Him.

Studying that passage convicted me, because I haven’t been trying to see God’s perfect will behind all of the pain I’ve been going through.  I don’t understand why I’m going through this trying time (much like Jeremiah didn’t understand why God wanted him to buy that land), but I know that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me.  God’s word says that all things work for the good of those who love Him and that I have been created for God’s glory.

Hallelujah!  Through my suffering, may God be praised and glorified!

Father, I pray that not my will but Yours be done.  Amen. ❤

Triumph meets Trial

Hello, world!  Long time, no read, eh? 😉

Well, I guess I’ll start off with a run through of how life has been for me.  I’ve pretty much made it through the first wave of tests the semester has thrown at me, woohoo!  I only wish that I could say that I made it through unscathed.  To say that this week has been a trial would be an understatement, and I’m still feeling its weight like I’m carrying it around in my backpack.  To be honest, it sucks.

I mean, I was doing so well.

To be on an uphill climb for such a long time.

To be cutting back on clinic visits and counselor appointments.

To be able to honestly say that you can’t remember the last time you acted out on urges….

Just to hit rock bottom again.

Some say that relapse is inevitable.  Some say once an addict, always an addict (and yes, I am referring to my eating disorder as an addiction).

But, right now, I say screw what everybody else says.  Why can’t I have my recovery and keep it that way???

It’s easier said than done, though (understatement of the century).   Today I had the first fall through that I’ve had in a long time.  The urges pulling at me in all different directions – I couldn’t handle it.  I had to do something to shut them up [or quiet them down at the least].  So I gave in.

weak

Weak

WEAK

I know you’re probably thinking, “Come on, don’t be so hard on yourself,” and I totally agree with you!  But it’s just what I do.  I’m my own worst critic.  It’s always been that way, and I’m convinced that it always will.  I just can’t believe that after I had been doing so well for so long……  I threw it all away just like that.

Why?

Well, I don’t think that it was just totally uncalled for and on a whim.  Last week took a real toll on my mentality towards my recovery – long lost feelings of anxiety creeping up, unnecessary exposure to triggers, old urges screaming at me day in and day out.  My nutritionist said I had actually handled myself really well.  And I’m proud of that, for sure.  I just wish I had handled myself a bit better.  I’m just tired of it…  Having to constantly reorient yourself towards recovery is tough and can easily eat up hours of your precious time that needs to be spent elsewhere.  But I guess it’s worth the fight.  I tell girls all the time that they are worth recovery – that the fight is hard and the battle is long, but that can’t compare to the sweetness of freedom.

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us.”
(Romans 8:18 HCSB)

Why am I so selfish to think that I am the exception to this message that GOD – the almighty, all-knowing, creator of the Universe – has given to me?  Why are MY problems so big and bad and terrible that they could even come close to comparing to the glory of God’s presence???

Wow, I need a reality check.

Father, forgive me of my selfishness, pride, ignorance, vanity, hypocrisy…  Wash away the filth that I am ladened with; lift this burden that I can’t carry on my own.  Open my eyes to see the beauty I have in You and that the fight I wage here in this world could never compare to the glorious splendor that is to come.  Lord, You know my every need, and I trust You to meet those needs.  Thank You for Your everlasting love, mercy, grace, and goodness.  Thank You for being my steady and unchanging foundation in this ever-changing world.  I love You, and I praise You for all that You do for me.  I ask all these things for the glory of Your name, Amen.

Taking a Chance

Image

So, after a lot of prayer and several appointments with my nutritionist, doctor, and counselor, I think I have made the decision to go to a treatment center this summer.  Yep.  There goes all of the plans I’ve made for the remainder of my undergraduate college career.  Going to treatment means no summer classes.  No summer classes means getting behind in my coursework.  And the domino effect goes on…  But, I think this is the choice that is best for me.  It’s time for me to focus on myself and not school.  This is the only chance I have for recovery; I believe it is a chance that the Lord is presenting me with that I can’t afford to pass up.  I should be thankful for the opportunity…

But I can’t shake the feeling of shame.  I feel like I’m giving up.

Weak.

 

I guess I will eventually find acceptance in it.  All I have to do now is find a way to tell my parents.

Losing

This one got me bad,

But I can’t simply give up.

I will keep fighting.

“No, in all these things we are more than victorious through Him who loved us.” (Romans 8:37)

“Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.  And the Peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7)

“Set your minds…

“Set your minds on what is above, not on what is on the earth.” (Colossians 3:2 HCSB)

Breakfast was ok.

Lunch was another story.

I was having such a hard time not reaching for something else…  I was on my way back into the kitchen (mostly because my phone was still sitting by my coffee maker), and I physically had to redirect myself into my room to grab my bible.  I sat on my bed, opened it up to a random page and began reading.  It was in Ezekiel, I think, and it had to do with prophesying to a prince…  But as I sat there, I couldn’t concentrate on what I was reading.  My thoughts were elsewhere, and I began to pray and cry out to God.  Yes, sitting on my bed, I was basically shouting and asking God for peace.  I needed to have my thoughts redirected.  That is when Colossians 3:2 came into my mind: “Set your minds on what is above, not on what is on the earth.”  That is what I have to constantly remind myself to do.  I get so easily caught up in my temptations to gorge myself or restrict until I feel weak; I forget how to let go and allow God to take control!

On a lighter note, though:  IT’S SNOWING, Y’ALL!!!  And we are out of class both today and tomorrow.  There is going to be so much Netflix watching/book reading/coffee drinking; it’s going to be great. 🙂 And you better believe that I have been singing Frozen alllll day.

Lord, thank You for speaking to me in miraculous ways recently.  I love drawing nearer to You and having a thirst for You.  Please continue to fill me with Your spirit, and guide me as I walk (and occasionally run) through life.  Heavenly Father, I thank You for giving me worth, for making Your presence known in my life, for healing me, and most of all for loving me like no other.  I cherish the grace You continuously show me every single day.  Give me the strength and courage I need to listen to Your words of direction and to be confident in the decisions I make.  Jesus, I thank You for loving me enough to humble Yourself, for becoming a sacrifice for MY sake, for overcoming the grave to sit at the right hand of Your Father in Heaven, and allowing me to have a relationship with You no matter how messed up I am.  I am enough because You were enough. ❤ Father, I pray these things in order to bring glory to Your name, Amen.