Dear Body…

Gosh, I am so tired…  Oh, wait, no I’m not.  Ha.  I just haven’t been able to sleep recently, and it kinda sucks.  But I don’t know what my problem is.  I mean, I haven’t really been doing much different with my bedtime routine (besides not eating as much at night, and that should help me sleep, if anything).  But, whatever.  I guess I’ll just sit here and watch TV/write until I’m overcome with exhaustion.  Anyway, things have been going kind of ok-ish.  Well, these past couple of days have, anyway.  I’ve been steadily gaining weight and eating whatever I can get my hands on pretty much every night…  But the eating at night has definitely gotten better since I’ve been at home (I’ve got a long weekend home from treatment – I’ll probably write a more detailed post about that later).  And thank God for my best friend, who is keeping me accountable.  Maybe things won’t be so bad when insurance finally does kick me out of treatment.  Ha.

Speaking of treatment, though, I kind of want to work on one of my agendas that my therapist gave me gave me.  I know you’re probably wondering what I mean by “agenda,” because I didn’t know what it meant when I first heard it in this context.  Out therapists give us writing assignments to journal about and share in group therapy/individual session.  I’ve got several to work on, but there is one in particular that I am eager to get out of the way…

Agenda:  I will write a letter to my body telling it how I feel about/towards it.

Dear Body,

I’m not totally sure what I want to write to you right now.  I know that my therapist didn’t want me coming from a total self-hatred point of view, so I will try to keep that to a minimum.  But that’s not the only reason I am having a hard time.  I often hear people who write letters to their bodies say things like, “I don’t trust you,” or, “I don’t think you know what is best for me,” but I don’t think I feel that way.  I honestly think I trust you and your ability to use the food I give you in the right way and that you have the ability to tell me what I need – I guess it’s really me that you are having trust issues with.  And I’m sorry for that.  I guess this whole eating issue came about with my unhappiness with you and how you look, but it’s never had anything to do with how well you have treated me.

I guess what I really do want to say, though, is that I have always been embarrassed of you for not looking the way I wanted you to look or performing the way I wish you could.  I’ve always just wanted to be the best at everything – whether that be running, sports, yoga, strength training, being pretty, whatever.  And you have kept me from doing that.  I feel that you have done nothing but hold me back my entire life, and it gets so frustrating.  I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more than to be happy with you and to be comfortable with your appearance…  But to be honest, I don’t even know what that means to me anymore.  I mean, I’ve experienced what it’s like for you to be the thinnest out of all of my friends and the biggest, but I was miserable at both ends of the spectrum.

So now that I think of it, I can understand that you would be having thoughts like, “What the **** do you want from me?!”  Especially during the times that I have abused you with restriction and even binging.  I always thought that I was doing what was best for you, but now I know that I have been doing just the opposite.  Oh, wait.  That trust word just popped up in my mind.  So maybe there is an aspect of trust that I am struggling with.  Or maybe it’s trusting the system…  Anyway, it’s the whole meal plan and stabilizing my weight thing that I’m having issues with.  How am I supposed to know how much is enough?  What if you don’t want to be the weight that I’d like you to be?  When am I going to figure out how to listen to the signals that you send me?  Is recovery ever going to feel as good as active addiction does?

If you ever find any answers to these questions, please let me know.  I’m getting pretty desperate.  I pray every day that something will click – like a switch in my mind that will just turn my ED voice off forever.  But I know that’s not how it works.  I know that God created me in His image, and I am exactly where I am meant to be according to His will.  I am so sorry that I have not been able to accept that.  I want to accept you just like He does.  It’s so easy for me to forget all that you do for me – all of the things that I take for granted – and cover them up with thoughts of self-hatred, shame, and anger.  I feel betrayed by you…  But I think it’s time for me to try to see things from your perspective and see how I have in fact betrayed you.

I hope that you will forgive me, and it is my prayer that some day we can be at peace.  I’m trying to learn to appreciate all that you have done and continue to do for me.  You are a miraculous work of art, signed by God, and deserve to be treated as such.

Thanks for listening,

Me

You say ‘nothin…

You say
‘nothing tastes as good as skinny feels’
I say
nothing feels as good as eating dinner with your family
on a Saturday night
laughing and talking and chewing
feeling free.
Nothing feels as good as baking cookies with little siblings
stealing bits of dough and chocolate chips
and eating one fresh out of the oven.
Nothing feels as good as curling up on the couch with a good book
and a steaming mug of creamy hot chocolate
with extra marshmallow
on a cold winter’s night
because you chose to be healthy
to get better
to see colour again
because the little things make it worth the struggle.
You take your skinny, your bones, your hunger
I’ll take
life.
a.j.h.

Life.  So much meaning behind that little word.  What do you think of when hear it?

Success?  Family?  School?  Work?  Appearance?

Hmm…  What about Jesus?  He said Himself “I am the way, the truth, and the LIFE.” (John 14:6 HCSB)  How often do we look at the obstacles – big or small – we face in life as though they are the end-all be-all of the world as we know it?  (And trust me, I am preaching to myself right now)  I have been struggling so much lately with the way I feel about myself, and sometimes it seems like it is the only thing I can ever focus on.  It has taken complete control of my life.  When can I have it back?

But then I realize that my life was never MINE to begin with.  I don’t live my life for myself because JESUS is my life.  I should be striving to bring Him glory in all that I do.  Is my focusing on my insecurities doing that?  Absolutely not!  But what do I do about it?  How can I stop?

These are the questions I am left asking myself.

Lord, give me the answers.  Give me the strength that I can’t muster on my own.  I know that with Your help, I can overcome any battle that I face in this life.  And I thank You for that, Father; Your grace and mercy never cease to amaze me.  God, please forgive me for my distance, for my doubts, and for any other sins I have committed against You.  You are above all and are so amazing to care enough about ME to send Your son, Jesus Christ, as a propitiation for my filth and baggage.  Praise the Lord! ❤