Hello, World!

Monte Sano 3

Man, it has been SO long since I have written on here!  It has been a long time since I have written anything in general.  But for some reason, I’ve been wanting to get back into it.

I was surprised when I logged onto WordPress to see a notification that today is my one year anniversary for my blog!  Looking back at my first few posts is so crazy.  I have come so far in just a year…  I’ve experienced rock-bottom lows and mountain-top highs and everything in-between.  I’m thankful that right now, I can say that I’m pretty content.  A lot has happened since the last time I posted an update with my eating disorder recovery status.  But, I have good news!!  I have been successful in maintaining my weight since August (and I honestly don’t know what it is, but I plan to keep it that way), and my nutritionist has removed me from my meal plan – now I’m on a more “intuitive eating” kind of plan.  It has been very freeing, and I love the sense of accomplishment that I feel.  It’s like I’ve finally gotten somewhere after battling for almost a year and a half.  Praise the Lord for His ever-faithful help in my time of need and for being sovereign over my life.  Things may not have happened as quickly as I would have liked for them to, but I know that God was in control through it all.

Learning to be patient with God’s timing is something that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.  Whether it be recovery, relationships, school, job-searching, or whatever else, I have to come to terms with the fact that I am not in fact the ruler of my life!  What’s the point of putting my faith in Christ when I still feel like I have to depend on myself to make things happen?  What Jesus did for me in dying on the cross has given my life more meaning that anything I can do on my own.  So what if I don’t recover overnight?  So what if I’m 20 and single?  So what if I don’t have a job right now?  This all counts as nothing compared to what is ahead.

“Hallelujah!  For the Lord our God, the Almighty, reigns.” (Revelation 19:6 NASB)

My Special Day

What a dreary day.  It’s super early, and I’m sitting in my bed listening to the rain hit my window.  BUT, today is a special day for me…

It’s my one year recovery anniversary!

I have mixed feelings about it, though.  A part of me is trying to be happy about it, another is honestly upset that I’ve gained so much weight back, and another just wants to cry – from gratitude, freedom, love.  I can’t express how grateful I am for the love and support my family and close friends have shown me throughout this past year.  There have been many ups and downs, but their concern for my health and wellbeing has brought me to tears.  God has truly blessed me by surrounding me with people who deeply care for me, and I am overwhelmed by His unending love for me.  I have come such a long way from where I was a year ago.  I mean, I was afraid to eat almost anything…  I was miserable, I was alone, and I didn’t know what to do.  I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t know where to begin when it came to doing something about it.  That’s why I’m so thankful that my parents stepped in; they scheduled me a doctor’s appointment without me knowing, and my life was forever changed.  It’s because of them, my best friend, and her family that I can say that I have my life back.  God has led us through this valley – I’ve hit lows I never thought possible – but here I am today.  I’m not perfect (not even close), but I can say with confidence that I am happy.  And I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

Oh, Great is Our God!

Things are better; they’re getting easier.  I’m trying to look to different things to distract myself, like playing my guitar and spending time with friends.  It doesn’t take it away, though.  I pray every day that God will take away the pain, and I know that He has answered my prayer – it’s just going to be a slow process.  It’s almost like I’m grieving the loss of the relationship I had – I was pretty attached to it, after all.  But, despite all of the emotions that I’ve been dealing with, this week has been surprisingly good.  One of my friends asked me to go to formal with him (woohoo!!), and the Lord has been faithful in blessing me with good appointments with my treatment team this week.  I saw my nutritionist on Wednesday afternoon, and after expressing how badly I feel like I’ve been doing she told me how my weight has been very stable since August, and I was actually down a little from my last appointment.  Praise God!!  Not because I lost weight, but for answering my prayers to make progress in my recovery.  Before hearing what my nutritionist had to say about it, I felt like I had been overeating (even though I felt like I was actually giving myself what I wanted), so to know that I have actually been maintaining my weight is amazing.  Maybe I have been doing things right after all. 🙂

Church on Wednesday night was really great, too.  My college minister started a study that we’ll being doing through the end of the school year, and it’s focusing on prayers throughout the Bible.  He started us off with a prayer from Jeremiah 32, and I thought it was an interesting decision.  In the prayer, Jeremiah isn’t really asking God for anything or praying one of those “sun stand still” prayers that we have been emphasizing all year.  It was just a simple conversation – recognizing God’s goodness, faithfulness, and power.  Jeremiah was in prison at the time because of the prophesies he had interpreted from the Lord about Israel’s destruction.  Although annihilation was imminent, Jeremiah obeyed the Lord’s command to purchase a plot of land in Israel, and he made sure everyone knew about it!  Jeremiah knew that God would be faithful and return the land of milk and honey to His people.  So, Jeremiah’s prayer was focused towards God’s goodness to His people, His unwavering faithfulness, and His mighty power over everything – nothing is too great for Him.

Studying that passage convicted me, because I haven’t been trying to see God’s perfect will behind all of the pain I’ve been going through.  I don’t understand why I’m going through this trying time (much like Jeremiah didn’t understand why God wanted him to buy that land), but I know that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me.  God’s word says that all things work for the good of those who love Him and that I have been created for God’s glory.

Hallelujah!  Through my suffering, may God be praised and glorified!

Father, I pray that not my will but Yours be done.  Amen. ❤

Freedom?

birds_freedom_by_tina6668

Ok, so [again] it’s been wayyyy too long since I’ve posted on the blog. I’ve just been so busy!! Today, I’ve been babysitting since 7:30 this morning (which is finally starting to catch up with me – I’m so tired), and I think we might be going to the playground soon. I’m babysitting a six-year-old little boy and have been for about a month now. He’s definitely a cutie but has his moments… Ha ha. But anyway, things have been going ok I guess. Not perfect, but better I think. It’s been a while since I’ve had a blow-out binge episode, and I think I’ve had a pretty steady weight for the past month (I might have gained like 5 pounds). The urges are still there though, that’s for sure. I’m constantly thinking about how I need to lose weight and how I would look so much better if I did. I’ve been feeling so ugly lately, and it really gets me down. 😦 I mean, I have felt better about who I am as a person, but that doesn’t necessarily make me feel any prettier. I think I’m kind of doing the same thing I was doing with my past boyfriend – thinking that my current “beau” isn’t going to like me anymore because I’m getting bigger…

Which isn’t right…

I think…

Ugh, I just wish I could take it all back experience freedom again!!

I was going to say that I wish that I could take it all back, but I really don’t. This is a part of my testimony that God has allowed me to have so that I can reach out to other girls who may be experiencing something similar. So, I don’t wish it would’ve never happened; I just wish that it was a part of my past rather than a constant part of my present. It’s torturous, depressing, consuming, distracting, annoying, embarrassing, and just all things bad. It’s like a ghost that continues to haunt me every day, never at rest. I’m so ready to move on, but for some reason beyond my understanding it won’t let go. What is it that I find so appealing in those behaviors? The comfort? Satisfaction? Freedom? Is it because I do in fact find freedom in acting out on my urges? I guess that makes sense in a way… I’m always denying my desires as I seek freedom from this disease, which is so ironic because restricting your behaviors is the exact opposite of freedom.

Or is it?
“Then Jesus said to His disciples, ‘If anyone wants to come with Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life because of Me will find it. What will it benefit a man if he gains the whole world yet loses his life? Or what will a man give in exchange for his life?'” (Matthew 16:24-26 HCSB)
Maybe I’m thinking about it the wrong way! I think it’s time for some serious reframing to happen in my mind. I shouldn’t want to lose weight because it will gain me worldly approval; I should seek to honor God with my body and not give into temptations of gluttony or selfishness in order to soothe myself or make myself seem more appealing in man’s eyes.

Thank You, Lord, for making me enough.  Help me to seek beauty in Your eyes rather than trying to find it in this world.  Father, give me the strength I need to be an overcomer; I know that without You, I would never stand a chance.  I praise You for bringing me this far, and I am confident that You will deliver me from this battle.  I love You, Father, and praise You for all that you have done, are doing, and will do for me.  Jesus, I pray that I will continue striving every day to live my life as a reflection of You instead of a reflection of society or the people around me.  Thank You for willingly becoming the ultimate sacrifice so that I may live free from the bondage of my sin even though I am so deserving of it.  God, I ask that You will be with me and the rest of my family and friends who may be starting school or preparing for it this week.  I pray for smooth transitions to a new chapter of our lives.  Through it all, though, I pray that we all remember that even though our surroundings [or even our entire lives as we know it] change, You are the only thing that remains constant.  Thank You, God, for never leaving nor forsaking us!!!

Heavenly Father, I ask all of these things for the glory of Your name, Amen. ❤

Stay Young, Go Dancing

I just love this song.  Even though it doesn’t really have anything to do with what I’ll be writing about. 😉

What I do want to write about, though, is how these past couple weeks have been.  Gosh, it’s been intense.  So many ups and quite a few downs.  But great, nonetheless. 🙂

I really should be writing more…  Well, I guess I technically am writing a lot; I just never post what I write because it’s all things that my therapist wants me to write about.  And sometimes that is a little more personal than I would like to share with the world right now, ha ha.  I do plan on sharing a few at some point, though.

Ok, so back to the point: treatment.  It’s finally sinking in.  I am in a treatment center to help me in recovery of my eating disorder.  And to be honest, it is one of the best decisions I have ever made.  Not only am I making steps towards recovery every day, I am learning more about myself and have made the most amazing friends.  Gosh, I can’t even describe how wonderful these people are – the staff and fellow clients.  I’ve begun to feel closer to them than I have recently felt towards some of my oldest friends and even family.  It’s just so easy to be real – to be me – while I’m here because there’s no reason to have any guard up.  I mean, we all know each other’s deepest secrets.  It’s incredible, really.  And so refreshing after hiding behind my problems for so long…

Every day, I am challenged to dig deeper into my conscious in order to find out what it is I am trying to cover up with my eating disorder.  Anxiety?  Depression? Guilt?  Pain?  It’s all there, but at this point I can’t distinguish one from another.  I am wrestling with my inner being in an attempt to break down the wall I have been working my whole life to build up.  The wall that keeps me from my deepest pain.  But I am convinced that until I get to the root of the darkness trapped within my eating disorder, I won’t be able to overcome it.

Heavenly Father, hear my cry tonight.  Help me.  Save me.  Give me the desire, courage, and strength I need to overcome this battle.  Lord, I know that with Your mighty power within me, all things are possible.  Only You can save me, and I praise You for loving me enough to do that.  I am so deserving of all of the suffering I have ever gone through and more, but Your perfect love, grace, and mercy have rescued me from it all and always will.  Thank You for the blessings You have so willingly given me.  Please, God, forgive me of the ways I have failed You.  You know all of my faults and impurities.  You know my desires and my needs.  May Your will be done in all things, and may I praise You through it all.  Father, I pray all of these things for the glory of Your precious name, Amen.

One Step Forward and 5,481,957,130 Steps Back…

Woke up an hour ago and have already given in.  It’s so awful. I can’t even control myself in the mornings anymore. When is this going to stop? When am I going to be normal? When am I going to have control over myself again? I’m just so ready to give up…  It kind of feels like I already have, though… What else am I supposed to do? Eat more? HA. That’s a good one. I actually think I ate more than my boyfriend did this weekend (which is so pitiful, given the shear amount of food he is able to pack down on a daily basis). I’m gaining weight way too fast, and I can’t seem to find the strength to stop.  I can’t take it anymore.
I’m so fat. I’m unattractive. I’m weak. I’m a coward. I’m a glutton. I’m selfish.

But… I am saved. I am free. I am a child of the one, true God.  I can’t keep forgetting about that!!  I always get so caught up in my own desires – whether that be to lose weight or have self control or anything – that I forget where my strength to do these things comes from in the first place.

Lord, please forgive me for my selfishness. Forgive me for neglecting the fact that I can’t do any of this on my own and for not relying on You in my times of need. Give me the comfort I so desperately need at this time, but also give me the strength I need to live my life to glorify You rather than to satisfy my own fleshly desires. Give me wisdom to make decisions based on what I NEED rather than what I merely want at a given moment. And, Father, I thank You for everything that You have so graciously done for me. You never fail to shower me with good things, and I consistently fail to recognize Your blessings. Please forgive me for all the ways I have failed You. Please help me to have more self control. I know now that I cannot do this on my own, no matter how hard I try. I know that I am not going to find any sense of value from the way I look. God, I want to find my worth in You and You alone. It is because of You that I am a priceless creation; it is foolish of me to think otherwise. I know that I was bought at a price – You sent Your ONLY son to die for ME. For my guilt, my shame, my filth, my sin… Lord, I am so sorry for ever failing to remember this. I need You more and more each day, and I know that You will never fail me.
For all of this I pray for Your glory alone, Amen.

Losing

This one got me bad,

But I can’t simply give up.

I will keep fighting.

“No, in all these things we are more than victorious through Him who loved us.” (Romans 8:37)

“Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.  And the Peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7)