Triumph meets Trial

Hello, world! ¬†Long time, no read, eh? ūüėČ

Well, I guess I’ll start off with a run through of how life has been for me.¬†¬†I‚Äôve pretty much made it through the first wave of tests the semester has thrown at me, woohoo!¬† I only wish that I could say that I made it through unscathed.¬† To say that this week has been a trial would be an understatement, and I‚Äôm still feeling its weight like I’m carrying it around in my backpack.¬† To be honest, it sucks.

I mean, I was doing so well.

To be on an uphill climb for such a long time.

To be cutting back on clinic visits and counselor appointments.

To be able to honestly say that you can’t remember the last time you acted out on urges….

Just to hit rock bottom again.

Some say that relapse is inevitable.  Some say once an addict, always an addict (and yes, I am referring to my eating disorder as an addiction).

But, right now, I say screw what everybody else says.  Why can’t I have my recovery and keep it that way???

It‚Äôs easier said than done, though (understatement of the century). ¬† Today I had the first fall through that I‚Äôve had in a long time.¬† The urges pulling at me in all different directions ‚Äď I couldn‚Äôt handle it.¬† I had to do something to shut them up [or quiet them down at the least].¬† So I gave in.

weak

Weak

WEAK

I know you‚Äôre probably thinking, ‚ÄúCome on, don‚Äôt be so hard on yourself,‚ÄĚ and I totally agree with you!¬† But it‚Äôs just what I do.¬† I‚Äôm my own worst critic.¬† It‚Äôs always been that way, and I‚Äôm convinced that it always will.¬† I just can‚Äôt believe that after I had been doing so well for so long‚Ķ‚Ķ¬† I threw it all away just like that.

Why?

Well, I don‚Äôt think that it was just totally uncalled for and on a whim.¬† Last week took a real toll on my mentality towards my recovery ‚Äď long lost feelings of anxiety creeping up, unnecessary exposure to triggers, old urges screaming at me day in and day out. ¬†My nutritionist said I had actually handled myself really well. ¬†And I’m proud of that, for sure. ¬†I just wish I had handled myself a bit better. ¬†I’m just tired of it‚Ķ ¬†Having to constantly reorient yourself towards recovery is tough and can easily eat up hours of your precious time that needs to be spent elsewhere. ¬†But I guess it’s worth the fight. ¬†I tell girls all the time that they are worth recovery – that the fight is hard and the battle is long, but that can’t compare to the sweetness of freedom.

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing¬†with the glory¬†that is going to be revealed to us.”
(Romans 8:18 HCSB)

Why am I so selfish to think that I am the exception to this message that GOD – the almighty, all-knowing, creator of the Universe – has given to me? ¬†Why are MY problems so big and bad and terrible that they could even come close to comparing to the glory of God’s presence???

Wow, I need a reality check.

Father, forgive me of my selfishness, pride, ignorance, vanity, hypocrisy‚Ķ ¬†Wash away the filth that I am ladened with; lift this burden that I can’t carry on my own. ¬†Open my eyes to see the beauty I have in You and that the fight I wage here in this world could never compare to the glorious splendor that is to come. ¬†Lord, You know my every need, and I trust You to meet those needs. ¬†Thank You for Your everlasting love, mercy, grace, and goodness. ¬†Thank You for being my¬†steady and unchanging foundation in this ever-changing world. ¬†I love You, and I praise You for all that You do for me. ¬†I ask all these things for the glory of Your name, Amen.

Stay Young, Go Dancing

I just love this song. ¬†Even though it doesn’t really have anything to do with what I’ll be writing about. ūüėČ

What I do want to write about, though, is how these past couple¬†weeks have been. ¬†Gosh, it’s been intense. ¬†So many ups and quite a few downs. ¬†But great, nonetheless. ūüôā

I really should be writing more‚Ķ ¬†Well, I guess I technically am writing a lot; I just never post what I write because it’s all things that my therapist wants me to write about. ¬†And sometimes that is a little more personal than I would like to share with the world right now, ha ha. ¬†I do plan on sharing a few at some point, though.

Ok, so back to the point:¬†treatment. ¬†It’s finally sinking in. ¬†I am in a treatment center to help me in recovery of my eating disorder. ¬†And to be honest, it is one of the best decisions I have ever made. ¬†Not only am I making steps towards recovery every day, I am learning more about myself and have made the most amazing friends. ¬†Gosh, I can’t even describe how wonderful these people are – the staff and fellow¬†clients. ¬†I’ve begun to feel closer to them than I have recently felt towards some of my oldest¬†friends and even family. ¬†It’s just so easy to be real – to be me – while I’m here because there’s no reason to have any guard up. ¬†I mean, we all know each other’s deepest secrets. ¬†It’s incredible, really. ¬†And so refreshing after hiding behind my problems for so long‚Ķ

Every day, I am challenged to dig deeper into my conscious in order to find out what it is¬†I am trying to cover up with my eating disorder. ¬†Anxiety? ¬†Depression? Guilt? ¬†Pain? ¬†It’s all there, but at this point I can’t distinguish one from another. ¬†I am wrestling with my inner being in an attempt to break down the wall I have been working my whole life to build up. ¬†The wall that keeps me from my deepest pain. ¬†But I am convinced that until I get to the root of the darkness trapped within my eating disorder, I won’t be able to overcome it.

Heavenly Father, hear my cry tonight.  Help me.  Save me.  Give me the desire, courage, and strength I need to overcome this battle.  Lord, I know that with Your mighty power within me, all things are possible.  Only You can save me, and I praise You for loving me enough to do that.  I am so deserving of all of the suffering I have ever gone through and more, but Your perfect love, grace, and mercy have rescued me from it all and always will.  Thank You for the blessings You have so willingly given me.  Please, God, forgive me of the ways I have failed You.  You know all of my faults and impurities.  You know my desires and my needs.  May Your will be done in all things, and may I praise You through it all.  Father, I pray all of these things for the glory of Your precious name, Amen.

I need You

Things got better [for a while, at least], and are spiraling down once again.  Last week was great until I slipped up on Friday, and I never recovered from it.  I feel so hopeless sometimes, really.

I had an appointment with my nutritionist¬†this afternoon and got the usual stuff:¬† a new goal sheet, some dietary information, and of course some new rules.¬† Ugh, I am just so tired of the fight.¬† It’s a battle that I’m losing.¬† I even had to call my mom today to so that I could cry to her about how sad my life is (thank goodness she is always willing to listen).¬† It’s been so long since I’ve just let it go like I did.¬† I’m exhausted from worrying so much ALL the time about EVERYTHING.¬† I feel horribly ugly – I’ve gotten too fat to fit into any of my clothes except my nike shorts and t-shirts, and I have acne that’s worse than a 16-year-old boy’s.¬† I know I’m supposed to feel beautiful because I am a “divine work of art signed by God,” but I can’t seem to make myself believe it.

God, help me.  Restore me.  Heal me.  I need You more and more every day.  Father, thank You for giving me the strength to get this far.  I may feel down right now, but I know that You have saved me from so much more destruction than I can imagine.  Without You, I would be nothing.  Lord, I just feel so broken right now.  I need You to pick me up, hold me, put me back together…  Help me to find that hope that I once had; help me to stay motivated.  God, I pray that every time I feel like giving up, I would be reminded of the strength I have in You.  Please forgive me for all of the ways that I have failed You (I know they are too numerous to count).  Thank You for the gift of the cross that You so lovingly gave me and for showing me grace when I least deserved it.  Jesus, thank You for taking on all of the pain and suffering that is rightfully mine.  I know that Your ways are higher than my ways, Lord, and I ask that You would guide me as You will.  Heavenly Father, I ask all of these things for Your glory alone, Amen.

One Step Forward and 5,481,957,130 Steps Back…

Woke up an hour ago and have already given in. ¬†It’s so awful. I can’t even control myself in the mornings anymore. When is this going to stop? When am I going to be normal? When am I going to have control over myself again? I’m just so ready to give up‚Ķ ¬†It kind of feels like I already have, though‚Ķ What else am I supposed to do? Eat more? HA. That’s a good one. I actually think I ate more than my boyfriend¬†did this weekend (which is so pitiful, given the shear amount of food he is able to pack down on a daily basis). I’m gaining weight way too fast, and I can’t seem to find the strength to stop.¬†¬†I can’t take it anymore.
I’m so fat. I’m unattractive. I’m weak. I’m a coward. I’m a glutton. I’m selfish.

But‚Ķ I am saved. I am free. I am a child of the one, true God. ¬†I can’t keep forgetting about that!! ¬†I always get so caught up in my own desires – whether that be to lose weight or have self control or anything – that I forget where my strength to do these things comes from in the first place.

Lord, please forgive me for my selfishness. Forgive me for neglecting the fact that I can’t do any of this on my own and for not relying on You in my times of need. Give me the comfort I so desperately need at this time, but also give me the strength I need to live my life to glorify You rather than to satisfy my own fleshly desires. Give me wisdom to make decisions based on what I NEED rather than what I merely want at a given moment. And, Father, I thank You for everything that You have so graciously done for me. You never fail to shower me with good things, and I consistently fail to recognize Your blessings. Please forgive me for all the ways I have failed You. Please help me to have more self control. I know now that I cannot do this on my own, no matter how hard I try. I know that I am not going to find any sense of value from the way I look. God, I want to find my worth in You and You alone. It is because of You that I am a priceless creation; it is foolish of me to think otherwise. I know that I was bought at a price – You sent Your ONLY son to die for ME. For my guilt, my shame, my filth, my sin‚Ķ Lord, I am so sorry for ever failing to remember this. I need You more and more each day, and I know that You will never fail me.
For all of this I pray for Your glory alone, Amen.

Not.Enough.Time.

So many thoughts…  So much to write…  So little time…

Maybe I’ll actually have some time to wind down after this week; I definitely need it.

God, hear my cry;
pay attention to my prayer.
I call to You from the ends of the earth
when my heart is without strength.
Lead me to a rock that is high above me,
for You have been a refuge for me,
a strong tower in the face of the enemy.
I will live in Your tent forever
and take refuge under the shelter of Your wings. Selah

 РPsalm 61:1-4 (HCSB)